A strenuous
dream stirred me awake..in the wee hours of 31st December. Thankfully, I was
tired enough to fall back asleep. I next opened my eyes to a brightened room
and my mind began to fill fast with thoughts of things undone, tasks to do, and
ideas loving to consider. But soon, a sense of weariness crept in. ‘Happy birth-day’
should be about my being, not my do-ing!
Forty-six years ago, Love ushered me into this world...why?
For years it has been my habit to spend some part of my
birthday looking back to trace Grace-prints, mark the pits and my folly that
helped me stumble into them...and then to listen for the Wind's blowing for the
new year.
I was sick last year after a busy Christmas season,
and trundled clumsily into January...feeling totally awful and unprepared for
2012. But I felt a relief ...a reminding; that even my good habits must not overtake
God and His Grace. I sensed the Wind late; it wasn't until January 14th that my
new journal was ready. Epiphany.
After settling the kids’ breakfast, I sat to write in
my journal. A plain recording of the moments up to that point...I had no appetite
for breakfast, ideas or plans..so I wrote the last line: "today I shall
drift". I texted a few girlfriends.
One of them replied, " sounds like a good 'plan'!".
Well, even drifting was challenging since I had to
co-ordinate with hubby about kids...some one as always lays a way. How does one
negotiate drifting?
The time came for me to hop on the train into town.
Two of my older sisters are meeting me for tea. We went to a small shop filled with
ornamental angels, chests, and posters, and clusters of chairs around tables.
We sit in a corner and begin to examine the menu. I love trying stuff, but we
settle for two pre-designed tea sets of bruschetta, cakes and scones.
Being
intentional and pastoral, I often ponder about our conversations. But today my
mind gets to rest- I am drifting! The conversation was true and fast...hearts
were bared through long diatribes about stubborn daughters and 'individuating'
sons. Life is. Sisters are special- we can keep up the talking since most of
the drama of our lives revolve around people we all know. My sisters agree at
the end it maybe a good idea to invite my nieces and nephew to a new series on
Love. The sister with the persistent cough may go off chicken on my
suggestion...stuff of life.
The kids were excited dad got the Two Towers (I keep
calling the them the Twin Towers) DVD. I slipped out to share some cake with a neighbor
then came back to finish the movie and settle them for bed - a whole hour later than I had instructed! My plan to be
at a Watchnight service weakened. I showered and put on my flannel pjs, the
rain has been falling lightly most of the night so it is now very cool for the
tropics....
And I hope to drift off to sleep soon....
Every day is in itself un-repeatable; filled with
details oft unplanned and perhaps even unwanted. Life has always been about
this paradoxical tension of and/or: you plan, you also cannot plan. But on my
birthday, planning was really low – which is a rest when you live in a busy
city filled with expectations, longings and fears.
