Suppose you're not such a great witness..but ..today . is . a ..gift!

This being a Christian thing can be unnerving
.

biting nails !

I remember my daughter struggling with it, and each time as we sorted through the debris of doubts and questions, this one piece will appear persistent, almost like it can crawl back after we toss it out: but I'm not good enough!

Somewhere deep within her (no thanks to our imperfect parenting) lurks the notion of 'measuring up'.

In my latest book Shed Those Leaves, I come right out and say it: Forget it! You and I - we won't measure up!

But how we hate to hear it. We want to measure up. We want to be good enough. What kind of wimp lets someone save them? That sounds so much like... failure!

But suppose we come to our senses and cry out for salvation. What do we do next? Go right on trying to measure up again! Habits, especially such ingrained ones, die hard! So commonly I hear -

I'm not a very good / strong Christian
I am sure that wasn't a very good testimony
There goes my Christian witness!

and it goes along with the expression of helplessness and a taint of defeat; sometimes complete with an audible sigh!

To their disappointment I don't hug them and say, "I am sure you are trying your best" - because sometimes, honestly, we don't! We don't care that much about God's reputation. But my quiet presence is not meant to be rebuke; it is meant to be company. I know. I am right there with you at notch four.

You see, I used to beat myself up.
Then I would get sick of feeling beat up.
Then I may beat myself up for not being firm enough on myself...you get the crazy routine.. until - one day, I realised I was having this conversation all by myself. I was deciding whether I was good enough, and whether I right about my estimation, my feelings about it and so on...

So I did a weird thing. I asked God.

Did I really mess up?
Was it that bad?
What could I have said / done differently?

God swooped right in on me then.

What is in your heart for this person / situation?

We are so bent on making an Impression when our witness is meant to be our Expression of Him!

Huge difference there.

Now I was feeling true, real, guilt that will make a difference. I saw the paucity of my love. I saw my priorities in clear light. I saw my attempts to feel good about being good.

It was a good, necessary seeing, the kind described as thus

For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation and brings no regret...

~ 2 Corinthians7v10

I grieve often for my lack of love, a love that prays on knees, serves with hands, runs with feet, weeps with a broken heart and sacrifices that others may live better or stronger. This is a grief that empowers me. It doesn't in the end lead me to wallow in my lack; but to run to the Supply.

What about you? What helps you take the next step?

And one more thing God still says to me; which this video captures so well {you need a few minutes to enjoy this} -

the Gift of unrepeatable Today

Each day is a day for adventure, for receiving, for giving as we are being led to higher places or lower places -- and our witness happens in smile, speech or service as we express that bit of the Great God who mercifully works and weaves Grace and Truth, Life and Light into our days.

when your book launch teaches you what your book is saying

So yesterday was The Book Launch.

publisher's spiel

Here is the publisher sharing his excitement over his trademark and imprint.

I was very happy yesterday. 

The day had begun with the family going to support a local church we know for their anniversary where my husband was invited to preach at. We then drove over to The Arts House and found a free Sunday parking lot (these things bring cheer when you live in the city!) within walking distance from the venue. 

The event was being held at a historic spot - where the Parliament met for more than two decades - a place where words were aplenty, debates were lively and decisions were formed. I love old, historic buildings; and it was not typical to be able to launch a Christian book at such a venue.

Then the people started to stream in. I lighted up. Being the extrovert, I loved meeting people, especially my friends; and especially because city-life and motherhood just don't conspire to make getting together with people happen easily. Every face was so full of meaning and memories for me. One recently-made friend came with her family in tow and I knew it was her determination to come that brought the whole lot. My mind and heart was a-flutter for in each face I saw people who have taught me something from their life; I recount how our paths crossed; what we shared in the time we worked/talked/played/grew up together. I was dizzy with delight!

Yet all the way I was also a bag of nerves.

When the publisher first said, 'we should do a launch", I just wasn't too enthusiastic. It seemed so officious, so self-seeking somehow to go, 'hey everyone! come look at what I've done!'.There was a time I did that often within the chambers of my heart. But these days, it's just plain awkward. In fact, I noticed that I have lost my youthful optimism and blustery confidence as a small still whimper kept coming back, 'people are too busy". Sure, some people have told me they are coming. But we also needed to fill the numbers, and that was just hard for me.

The publisher picked up my nervousness and tried to assure me that there will be people who will support, my husband reminded me that there were people who loved me and cared about my gifts. But I kept having these doubts.

What I have written is so true. Being loved is hard for us. We are so used to working for approval. A book launch is like asking for love-in-advance. They haven't read the book, they may hate it. It may be a huge letdown... who knows? It's asking people to show up and say 'she has something worth saying'. Or perhaps, they came because they were curious (never been to a launch or the the Old Chambers), or they were obliged to (church friends?). It's horrible to think this way and scar a good beautiful thing. But we do it. I do it.

The Insecurity is deep. The soul-enemy loves to drum in the spaces of that crack in our souls and turn up the noise so that love gets drowned out.

I feel sorry to have felt this way. It felt like I let my friends down to have such a thin faith in our affections.

The only thing I can do is thank as many as I can individually for their presence. I know it has taken their time and effort to come be a part of something unfolding. But can I thank them enough for depositing love into my hungry soul and so being strength-agents for my life?

Thank you friends. 

"my life would be perfect if i lived in that house" by meghan daum

"my life would be perfect if i lived in that house" by meghan daum

i read this book and it affected me. Maybe it's because home ownership is such a defining thing in Singapore..or coz that was my mother's end point in her pursuit - to have own place filled with her kids and grandkids...

but there is also this:

The book title hit me right there..in some hitherto undefined spot. There is of course, this humming background track that really when teased apart is singing, "my life would be perfect...".. Yes, perfect IF - if a thousand flustered feathers would settle down.  

The HOUSE thing though is a particular quill; huge and visceral.

Why does it connect? There is definitely a neural pathway linked to some deeper recess that kicks in: i want to repaint, remodel, fix, even, move...the nest just needs constant improvement; no doubt something is going on here. A truthful mix of longing, desire, coveteousness and more.
Also, I have discovered this: everywhere i travel, from Africa to India to Australia, my eyes are peeled to examine how people live and i feel a need to answer one question no one has actually posed to me: how will I LIVE here ie. what kind of house and fittings and furnishings and where to get them... I seem to go everywhere anticipating to sink roots whether out of a sudden missional revelation or a dread that i will somehow be abandoned and just have to live there from that day on! I have asked. Some friends look at me only (what do they say?) while a rare one or two have shared this propensity!

What about you? Do you feel at home?

Well, the book was such fun to read too; a memoir of the heart's search for home.

my latest book!

This is how the new book looks like. available at all bookstores and from Amazon. Spread the message of hope!

my book is out

Here is how it looks. You can find it at Amazon. If you fear shipping, contact BookDepositiry and enquire after it.

THANK YOU to all who believed and encouraged and prayed. God be praised and lives be touched!