Discipleship: today, yesterday, forever

It feels like this.

Emma Frances Logan

Let’s see. It’s 2020. This means that I have known about, know and still continue to know Jesus … for more than forty years. Nearly all those years I have been a leader of sorts. I started standing in front of the rest of the children to lead songs, tell stories…then I was in committees, task force teams, ministry teams.

All this time, one word never ever went away, out of fashion, or became redundant.

Discipleship.

Justin Kauffman

Gary Butterfield

Massimo Satirana

We took it apart, looked at its nuts and bolts, studied, argued, wrote papers, tried programs, saw some ‘success’ and almost an equal amounts (it feels*) of ‘failure’.

We got frustrated, distracted, impatient, and reached impasse at times. We then set it aside…but soon, the word invariably found it way to lips, conversations, pulpit and meeting minutes.

In all of this, our human tendency to seek a silver bullet did not serve us well. 

Such marvelous fare we tried (and so important we did) -

TNet | NewLife | SonLife | 2:7 | Roots and Wings | Willow | Saddleback

We Navigated, Crusaded, Rallied, 'Seminared'  ad nauseam.

We used:

Small groups 
Cell groups
Affinity groups
Mission groups
Age Groups (kidschurch, youthchurch etc.)
Online
Offline


And still, the haze persists.


So I hid myself indoors more, and hope to offer something to clear the air.

Here are 2 thoughts to help us forward.


1. Forget Trying To Be Successful At Discipleship, Instead Urge The Next Right Step

(a) the uniqueness of each life

Each person is a story, journey and unfolding. Each life is layered, complexed, nuanced.

This means that discipleship will be hard and hardly successful, if we take a cookie-cutter approach.

When I look back at my own development, and as I hear stories of others, there is never a simple, straight trajectory. I started out Presbyterian. We had an Pentecostal preacher who filled the pulpit frequently. Then I encountered the Charismatics, as well as the Bible-Presbyterian. In Bible college, I met Catholic theologians, went to retreats led by Catholic sisters…and the story continues to unfold..

The Gospel is deep. The church is wide. God is finally, incomprehensible.

Our hearts have alleyways and backroads that cannot be educated, inspired, equipped into Christlike fullness. All our best efforts to fill up with Bible, sharing, service are like set-ups for the real deal.

Discipleship is each unique human life being yielded, one day and one moment at a time, so that the life becomes Cruciform. It is shepherding heartaches, distilling values, training willpower, championing obedience.

And -we have to learn to do this in our own lives first.

Then, as Jesus said to Peter, “turn around and strengthen your brothers”.

It is a lifelong journey of ongoing ‘yes’ to God being God, who knows better and cares more intimately then we dare dream.

This also means that –

Children can be discipled

Youths can be discipled

Adults, married, single, old, aging, ill, dying - we can all be discipled, for what we are is not yet clear to us, but it exists, and is real, and God wants to lead us homeward (1 Cor 1312)

I think God is really serious about diversity.

So, leaders, by all means use all means. Dream. Design. Deliberate. Definitely model it. But don’t fret overly over the outcomes. Chill and Christ both start with the letter ‘C’, see?



(b) the reality of social context

I let out a small moan even as my mind veered in my exasperation and let slip the words “when I was your age…”. Sharing our life story is one thing, but this stupid diatribe is totally futile.

The generation after us did not ask to be raised in their context. My daughter insightfully pointed out that my generation may well be the most privileged. We did not experience the war and we are not inheriting a time bomb. We have to stop wishful thinking and put our brains to better use.

At the heart of human existence and flourishing is our similar need to feel secure, have an identity and derive satisfaction from our contribution.

Think: what is trying to give our kids a sense of security, identity and satisfaction?

If we believe that God is the true and only lasting answer to the three primal needs of our lives, then how do we model and communicate that? What is garbling the signals, causing static, confusing them?

For as long as I can remember, we work really hard at ‘adapting to our culture’ - and we over-adapted, losing our bearings over time…. such as when we did age-group services and were left with a huge issue of transiting people from youth service to adult service.

We should wake up and realise that by focusing on the ‘spiritual’ and becoming ‘experts’ isn’t the best way. God designed life around truth and we have to learn to find God in all of life. 

We have to ask tough questions such as: how do people learn, encounter truth, experience change? We ought to hear from educators, sociologists and counsellors.

Yet,

there will always be fundamentals that we never ought to neglect.

The spiritual life is life - thus there must be Input, Interaction and Output. 


(i) What Inputs do we have available today?

Netflix is so ahead in its game that its CEO recently said that it’s only real competitor is sleep (yes, people sacrifice sleep to catch the stuff they purvey).

We need to create and convey good content.

(ii) What sorts of interaction is happening?

In homes and in churches? Is there safety for real exchange? Is there support for stragglers? The threat of death (not just bodily) lurks close by in the forms of distraction and distress today. Relationships are becoming strained and many feel unsafe.

We need to teach life skills that are being quickly lost today: listening, manners, disagreeing or questioning with respect.

(iii) Output.
What ways are there for people to exercise and express their faith? We need to crucify our culture’s absorption with ‘success’ so that the fear of failure is disempowered and in doing so, unleash all that time and resource (a billion dollars in the tuition industry!).


At the centre of it is the Cross, and Jesus.

My own prayer is that Jesus would be so dazzling, attractive, powerful, engaging, complete in my estimate and experience - so that those around me can catch a glimpse of it and desire it too.

Leaders -

-if the gospel becomes too familiar, tired and lack lustre, revisit it until it becomes the pearl of great price for you. Or you will sell short. 

-make friends with a broad range of people who can provide insight into the human condition and the social contexts of our flock 

-watch that you are not capitulating to popular culture. 

-go deep and gather a few for life-on-life, the way Jesus did. Trust me, you cannot do better than Jesus.

2. Focus On The Irreducible Minimum

Some churches have a lot of moolah and can do fancy parties. Most are rather basic. If God said we can make disciples of all nations, the approach has to something that can be transplanted into all cultural contexts. This is called the Irreducible Minimum.

The following will not make the list:

Starbucks coffee
Music that is branded
Certain versions of the Bible
And whole barrels of programs we have tried in the first world, middle class church.

But here is what will work:

Genuine welcome

Spiritual hunger 

Prayer 

Practical love 

Scripture - taught, discussed, meditated, memorised, applied 

The Sacraments of Baptism and Communion 

Sacrificial Familial love

Just look at this amazing list that isn’t exclusive to the rich, educated or even seminary-trained!

So maybe, just maybe, we ought to start growing in these things and see where the marvelous Holy Spirit takes us!



Finally,  a confession is in order, one I prayed many times:

O God, you offer humanity goodwill and Good News of Great Joy. 
I am so sorry I lose sight of it, prefer to get sated on other lesser pleasures, and often busy myself with things that are far removed from Your Holy Will.

Forgive the way I preach, teach, counsel, lead and on and on… often more marked by an anxiety to live up to expectations or worse, ambition - than out of a fear of You and a love for the ones You entrusted to me.

If there is any way, undo the damage where your shepherds and leaders have cause more hurt, confusion and been an overall bad witness.

Do a work in my life that cannot be explained except for the mighty Grace and Mercy of God, and in turn, let me lead others to this same stream to drink fully of it.

Whether I lead a few or a few thousand, let me never get beyond the adventure, excitement and dream that is your Kingdom - of lives touched, transforming and true.
For Christ’s sake, Amen.

*the brain remembers this stuff more readily, possibly a preservation instinct - an instinct I posit is post-Fall.

When My Soul Flaps Over The Church

I suppose it’s because you can’t take the pastor out of me.

But I have these tendencies - of a mother hen. Before you genderise this, remember Jesus referred to himself similarly!

Just that I am not mothering a specific local congregation right now. But my pastoral-mother-hen heart clucks up a notch at news of those who are lost, burdened, and struggling to grow in the LORD.

Here’re some scenarios that get my soul flapping:

1. news that spiritual babies are not being fed a proper basic diet to establish their health

2. that children, the elderly and non-mainstream folks don’t have a place at the table, the worship order and the missions expression.

3. another leader doing what other leaders are doing (especially traveling overseas) and it smacks of “look, I am successful”

4. when we take our western diets and without taking time to learn, love and live with a different culture, tell them this is the christian life, spiritual progress…

5. turning to triumphalistic story-telling as our main way of gospel sharing which leaves many struggling in the dust

6. failing to love the whole person - body, soul, spirit + past, present and future - not doing the hard work of seeing with God’s eyes

7. hoarding souls rather than sending them soaring

8. pride: disguised, veiled, ugly and on display (including mine, especially mine).

9. going over the same debates (worship styles, women etc) as if the church has made no progress on these weighty matters - because we did not bother to read, think, dialogue.

10. impatience: it’s everywhere, in city-living, and it colours our own walk, and the way we do and evaluate everything.

11. refusing to learn from wider wisdom, do research and practise discernment which leads to all sorts of poor decisions, esp the decision to promote and appoint based on oftentimes very worldly values.

12. consumer faith (this is huge and I have written on it  here (back in 2007!) ) - which promotes not simple, but simplistic faith.

These are serious issues that weaken our faith life, communities and witness.



Singapore loves how her smallness can contain so much. It is true. Our miraculous nature is pretty obvious. So we are excited, excited that God has something special in store for us (actually, He has something special for every nation)… and this label that we are Antioch is such a great shorthand for us to park everything under.

Antioch represents a fresh wind - away from Jerusalem - where the buzz of global missions outreach and the site where we first got our IDs as ‘christians’.

Just that, we are now 2000 years away, in a very different world. The term ‘christian’ now means very differently to what it meant then. Since globalisation and the internet, the world is also both closer and more polarised than it ever was.

So we have a lot of hard- thinking and heart-searching to do.



I also found, that it is easy to complain.



But God has called us to edify. So this is what I decide to do these days:

- I talk to people who may share these concerns and have answers (and it is very heartening to find that the Spirit is stirring and people are doing things about some of these*)

- I use my platforms to raise them when I can (such as here and here )

- I pray, for God Almighty reminds me this old truth I learnt in my youth: “more things are wrought by prayer than… (EM Bounds I believe it was)”

Share in the comments:
Do you share any of these concerns?
What do you do when your soul flaps over the church?


And here's some cheer --

*Areas people are acting on - already and upcoming for points:

2. several churches now have teams that look into this (check The Cathedral Podcast where I speak to a few such folks!)

4. we have think-tanks...and there will be work to link, strengthen and maybe have our own version of Gallup or Barna!

I looked up some images of churches in Sg (of course, home churches and those in industrial estates etc won't turn up...) Look at the lovely architecture. God is building a thing of beauty, our call is to be pillar of truth in society (1 Tim 3v15). Ain't very often we pause to give thanks, appreciate and savour what we have!

See if you can recognise these few (selected randomly):

The First Christian Podcast in Singapore, possibly

Let me guess. You have experienced this:

You pause and you wonder ... why?
You face a new challenge and you ask... is this really the way?
You are dog-tired and your heart whispers.. what options are there?

Questions. We all have them. As rational beings, we want answers. This is why there will be no end to "the making of books" as the sage reminds us.

There are questions when left un answered, probably won't impact or define our lives significantly:

why did the chicken cross the road
what's the next big ice-cream flavour
who is cranking up the new fried chicken wave
when is the next blockbuster and what will it be about

But there are questions that can suck the life out of us if we don't grapple with them, even if we may not arrive at a completely knowable answer, such as

Did Jesus really rise from the dead?
Does God actually have anything to say about work and how I manage my finances?
What do I do with my motley and at times morose emotions?
Is faith and science in conflict?
What is church, really?

Come March, join me in a fortnightly Podcast where I will talk with different individuals, share stories, discern trends, explore Scriptural notions and more.

Why am I doing this?

1. God made me a talker and thinker

This podcast comes at a time when God has called me, now that my children are more grown, to pastor the city with my gifts. I have noticed that when God calls me, it often comes with a backstory that makes me chuckle at how he has prepared me. Here's the story.

When I was in Primary 1 ( yes 1!), my form teacher told me at the end of the school year that she hoped I would not be in her class the following year. I wasn't traumatised, just bewildered. I skipped off...and two months later, skipped right into her class! She put up with me for another year and triumphantly sealed my fate with these remarks in my report book: ... 'is talkative and busybody'.

As far as I can remember, I was always asking questions. I wondered about the aunties in the neighbourhood, the injections I witnessed my Indian neighbour gave herself, the rows upon rows of books in the library, and twice I was so lost in my thoughts I was hit by the swing! Two gashes to remind me not to stop in the middle of potentially dangerous movement while I got lost in my thoughts.

As a pastor, I was even labeled a firebrand for asking questions at a denominational AGM.

So I guess I am meant to do this.

2. God made us all to think

We all think, and there's plenty of fodder to fill our heads each day and there's a desperate need for correctives. There is so much politicised spiel, profit-driven messaging, destructive input...that we need to hear some good, provocative stuff to get our brains hitched to a more productive gear.

And our thoughts are really the gateway to our lives. We act because we think. We continue to act the same way because we believe (rightly or wrongly). And our thoughts can become trails, and patterns in our heads and our hearts.

So it is critical to look at our thoughts and to have fresh ones.

In one of my first sermons, about the Holy Communion, I adjured the small family congregation at All Saints that the 'unreflected life is not worth living' (that got us off to a great start as a church).

Thinking is part of our design and destiny as imago Dei. We have to think our way through to responsible stewardship of the earth, a productive life, a deepening communion with God.

This we have to do, each of us. My mother who never had any formal education, showed me that being reflective, honest and value-driven, really has little to do with any certification.


3. The nation/church maturing needs to think

We are at a powerful juncture nationally. We need to think about what kind of society we want. We need to think about how our attitudes, commitments and participation is helping or hurting the society we want.

It is a tremendous time for us as we are storyboarding for the coming generations. There have been many voices calling for us to be more thoughtful, gentle, resilient, united...

Equally the church needs to think. We need to decouple from being so dependent on answers (especially from the West) as we grapple with a social changes. We need to figure how intergenerational partnerships. We need to be ready to re-examine and dismantle certain things that just won't' work any longer.

At the same time, some persistent questions which we did not answer too well in the past (like, 'aiya, just believe, ask so much for what' or, 'see what Deuteronomy 29 says') require stronger answers today.

The Cathedral Podcast became a reality after Vicar Terry Wong from the Cathedral spoke to me about it in 2018. Over our meetings, another story returned to my memory. Many of you know that I go to the Cathedral grounds once a month to facilitate personal solitude. I prayed several times for this historic church to impact our city and beyond. Now it seems God is asking me to participate in the answer. So I said, 'yes'.

Join me in the Podcasts and write me with your questions! Let's think it through together - to a more vibrant, earnest and winsome faith!


The Cathedral website

My 2017 best-thoughts about life, parenting, church...

It's Monsoon season in the tropics, with plenty of rainfall. This means a pretty low season for getting out to the beach. So we headed did that for two reasons. One, it's always more restful to avoid the crowds, and secondly, the son had written in his list of post-exam delights, a visit to a beach. I know Singapore is an island, but our beaches aren't very pleasant. The sand is coarse, it's really humid, and when you look at the horizon, all you see are cargo ships which isn't a pretty sight. So, we drove the nearly two hours towards the East Coast of Malaysia to Desaru and checked ourselves into a space that was (I found out later) recently renovated. God mercifully gave us a good bit of sunshine and held the rain back so we could be at the beach. The kids read on swings hung from large tree branches or on the deck chairs.

But after a while, we simply could not resist the call of the wind and the waves. We aren't exactly sun and surf beings, but the waves' insistent pounding on the beach with its roar, beckoned us to venture towards the bit of South China Sea right at our feet.

First, we gingerly walked around the edges where the water reached the shore. Then we jumped into the waves. Then we sat on the beach and waited for the waves to come and crash us over! A slow submission to the forces of created order.

O my, what fun!

Will it be a large, strong wave that will knock us over?
How far out should we try to walk out?
Is it a good idea to perch on this rock and wait to be awashed with sea water?

There is something thrilling about being in nature and having a sport with it. Some of the most luminous pictures and writing have come to us from men and women who did not see nature as resource or entertainment, but as a world to enter in, investigate, relish and respond to.

There was something primal, basic, and simple to our joy at wave-play.

Now as I am contemplating my year soon ending, the year ahead and what to write, the memory of the waves returns to me and I smile.


This image though is of a gentler wave.

The kind that grows with the wind and momentum and then slows as it approaches shore, landing as a gentle crest on the sand. This kind of wave will not catch or knock anyone over who had their backs turned. It will not threaten to drag anyone who was playing idly by the shore out to sea. It comes in and softly caresses the shore, leaving it smoother and cleaner.

This is what I hope to do in this post. Be a gentle wave.

There is so much on my heart and in my head as the year draws to a close. Most years past, I have written about the Hope of  New in a New Year. But somehow, this year, that's not forthcoming.  Instead, I want to offer some of my thoughts this year about several subjects that always occupy me, and perhaps they occupy you too.

So this blog is about the wind and forces of God this year - in my thoughts. As a person with an active mind, I always have some new and unfinished thinking going on. I confess that they aren't always what I call 'high, holy or happy' - the ditty I used to help my son apply Philippians 4v8:

"... brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things"

We like to think that our thoughts are private, shy or secretive affairs. But they aren't. Although no one can read our minds or really tell our thoughts, they become public eventually because thoughts are the words and actions that are waiting to emerge. Indeed, the world is constantly shaped by thoughts that are being communicated, often without the actual articulation of the thought.

A relationship isn't going anywhere because the thoughts about it aren't.
That problematic situation doesn't improve because the thoughts about it are unchanged.
A dream doesn't transpire because the thoughts have not moved from ideal to action.

We are able to think ourselves into traps, corners and caves. I have enough thought experience by now that I can rather quickly tell of I am following a thought down a trail that is dark and disabling. Some lead to familiar trails that seem comfortable but are really discouraging and lead to a miry bog. When these happen, it usually ends up that I speak and act and serve muddy pies rather that life-giving delights.

Humans are presumably the only creatures in Kingdom Animaliae that can examine our thoughts.

So I want to learn to think my thoughts in God's grand presence. This means taking my thoughts to the Light and letting what is really happening be revealed. At times I have to question a thought that comes and then decide if I will bother with it. At other times, the synapses fire away so quickly, I have to check it against His Word and allow his forces of truth and grace to chisel away so that the edifices they become are more noble than otherwise.

So here are some of my hopefully, Light-infused thoughts on several subjects close to my heart.

I am writing this for myself. As you read it, I hope it works like a gentle wave that comes upon you and leaves your heart and mind feeling better. You are welcome to share it, highlighting the bits you found useful or meaningful.


A] 'Perfect' Parenting

A young adult who teaches Secondary School was talking with me about parenting. She concedes that it is really hard in a society like Singapore where we have been raised on a narrative of "win or lose it all". For the longest time, the older generation of politicians have been telling us how vulnerable we are, the need to plug into the world and be open to the gales of change, how we need to keep paddling to stay afloat. Socially, this has spurned the famous kiasu culture, where there is a fear of losing out. In a largely consumer world, this tallies nicely with another set of value: "get the most for whatever you pay". Successful bargains and great deals are a point of pride.... "Only forty dollars!"

No wonder parenting is so tough.

We need to capture and maximise our child's potential. We must not lose out, but have to grab all those opportunities. We have to get to that mega sale. Did that article say 'prebiotic'?

All of it requires energy, time, and money. The last one itself, money, requires substantial time and energy to generate! It will be great if we can decide that one enrichment class, a birthday party and a new outfit during Chinese New Year were enough. But we don't know where the finishing line is. New products and classes are always been advertised.

Yet deep in our souls, we still feel like we owe our children something. We simply cannot ensure their happiness or their success. Many women also struggle with mom-guilt at being away from home due to work.



We are driven by fear.

The funny thing is, children are happy when life has a structure and the parents are happy. It's really quite simple. But we have buried this simple thing under layers and layers of needs, demands, expectations and discontent. Our fears and worries do not a happy home or child make!

Things tend to atrophy when not actively tended to (fires die down, interest wanes, muscles weaken), then someone must take charge to build up the children and that includes building a home that has structure and peace.

That aside, 'perfect' parenting can happen if we stick to one other simple rule: respond to the child you have, not the one you wished you have. We are called to raise our children, not our dreams.

At some point, our kids will challenge our proud parent moments and make them feel like so much empty froth. They don't like to read, struggle to sit still, soil their pants at five, are awkward and shy, aren't athletic, have a fear of the water, gag on their vegetables. This is before they are a bundle of angst, question your authority and integrity, sulk and talk back!

I think the perfect parent is the one who will take a step back and look realistically at the situation, find strength in God, say "this too is a gift", and courageously head on to deal with it patiently and sacrificially.

Being child-centric is not creating a world that revolves around the child's whims and tantrums. It is a commitment to get to know your child and build a world that supports his humanity and his growth as a person first, then some possible talent or occupation. Being child-centric actually requires us to be family-centric too, for a child by design, is born into a system and thrives when the system is functional and healthy.



B] 'Perfect' church

Phil and I are very privileged to be friends with, and work with so many churches in Singapore and a few in the region. It gives us insights and a bird's eye view of things.

The church in Singapore has seen growth in the last few decades but now confront some serious challenges. We are seeing a generational divide as the millennials grow up in a vastly different world than us. Some are disenfranchised with the church. New churches have sprung up. We have serious cultural and theological conundrums, from gender issues to family discipleship.

They used to say that if you do the same things, you get the same results. I suspect that if we do the same things, we may not get any results.

It is time to consider our ways, examine our philosophy and broaden our understanding.

The church is in need of renewal.

We need to find a way for people to encounter God, to dig the Word, to be embedded in community, to be exercised in meaningful engagement with society. We need to create a way for leadership development and succession and mission expressions that are more organic. We need champions for each of this. Yet, we need a way that won't see us running all over the place, with loyalties and commitment stretched too thin to really matter.

We need brave men and women and institutions who will confront the tough stuff, and thankfully we do have them!

Online realities have emboldened many to share emotional wounds, and we  need a way for those who are seeking and are hurt to find healing. It's hard to start over in a new community, yet this is exactly what is needed. We need to help our people be more resilient and accepting of the tough stuff of community, including embracing those who need a great deal of care and patience before they turn a corner and mature.

We are being challenged to stop turning to programs, and to start being the people of God.

Seeking our definition as as people will be an ongoing journey. Our identity is lived out in context. We are loving, pure, gracious, Christlike as we respond to our situations. Our calling and impact too is worked out in context. Hence the tendency we have to hark back to a time where the church was pristine is a rather immature approach. We can and must certainly examine Scripture to see the qualities that the first disciples had. Their radical faith, courage, commitment and witness must be our compass. We need to ask how these qualities of the faith-life are to be nurtured and lived out today in our settings.

The people of God is a fascinating mix of maturity, talents, convictions and expressions. Our unity and one-ness is found in the deeper regions of the mystery of our faith: that Christ has saved us and lives in us. It is this one Christ that is our unity. Today, there is much to divide the people of God. The LGBTQ issue, Israel, Trump, and I hear of old wars regarding hymns and choruses being revisited! Let's face it, centrifugal forces are always at work. The faster we spin, the easier we fly outwards, away from centre and each other.

We need to stop being slaves to efficiency, quick answers and fast solutions.

If a plant has a sore, is a little shaky or has suffered, we do not drown it with more water, overwhelm it with fertilizer or simply re-pot it. It is needing some tender, loving care. That is exactly what the head of the church wants to do. He needs many husbandman who are willing to be his eyes, mouth, hands and feet.


C] 'Perfect' Peace

Soul, are you well?

This question can feel like an invitation, an interrogation or a threat. It all depends on how you hear it.

The person who must measure up feels a threat, suggesting he does not.
The person who has been dodgy feels like he is being searched.
The person who knows that he is welcome and his soul is a treasure hears tenderness.

The shape and texture of our Christianity matters.

Some are habitually thankful, some are constantly worrying, some are like yo-yo's. But of course we only see what's apparent. I am mostly thankful, but I do worry, and emotionally I have my yo-yo moments for sure.

During a personal retreat, I decided to do a little artwork. The first thing that I wanted on the paper was a thick red line. Not usually one given to invoke the blood of Christ, I found myself somehow relating that line to the blood that was shed for my salvation. Along and around the line, I drew trails and paths I had taken. Some seem pretty straightforward, some meandered and plunged and one or two thinned out because I had no idea where they led. It seemed the thick red line flowed right through it all and in a way called it all back and held it all.

This is peace - that He holds the pieces.

Since I keep forgetting this truth, I need to remind my soul often of it. But it's not a mind-over-matter exercise, because in the end, our minds really do matter because they have several tendencies that can undermine us. We like to think the same thoughts, it's comforting for us. So worries begat worries. We seek out information that confirms what we think, again it's comforting for us. So doubts and suspicion are easily reinforced.

So simply to tell ourselves to quit worrying is like trying to speak gently into a swell. There's an entire chorus going on in our heads that will drown out our good intentions and earnest declarations.

In my upcoming book, I will share how silence is the key to disrupt our minds and lay out new tracks for our thought-trains. But because we awake with thoughts and basically never really stop thinking, the Bible has called us to be intentional about what we think on. With that, I end this piece on my thoughts, about thoughts:

In conclusion, my friends, fill your minds with those things that are good and that deserve praise: things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and honorable. (Good News Bible)

Consider the fruit of this over time, for your family life, your church, and the state of your soul. May we be more perfect* in 2018!



*perfection is a Wesleyan theological idea, of being made more like Christ. 

How to keep on: be your self {but beware} & when it's wrong to live for others /

Please, be -- your.self -- but do read carefully what I mean by it.

My book Shed Those Leaves asserted boldly, "emerge to be your true self..". When the publisher showed me the finished product and it was classified as 'self-help'; I wanted to weep.

This is a world about helping yourself to all the Turkish delights*, the possibilities, the dreams, the passions. So powerful is this notion that even God is said to help those who help themselves. And of course we see how destructive it can be; that our default self-mode is perniciously self-ish.

Yet here I am again, asking you to be  your.self.

It is a dangerous thing to call people to. I asked myself: isn't this the privilege of the rich, first-world, high up Maslow's hierarchy, the reserve of those who have arrived; the creme de la creme of society? It is a luxury; or is it?

Here's a hint of the answer: our accouterments and achievements often conceal more than reveal who we are. I have found the poor to be more at ease with themselves and often their raw, rough edges are far more lively than the culturally smoothed ones of the respectable.

Also, we preach a gospel of a personal love, of each made uniquely in the Image. How can we then refuse to witness to the diversity and variety? How can you relate to God except by being who you are? Wouldn't we be impoverished if you and I refuse the courage to be who God made us?

But what does it mean? How do we become our selves?

Recently I wrote an old professor friend who was my pastor for the few critical years when I was training for ministry to update him about a missionary who had left her family and chosen to come out and to pursue a new relationship. She leaves in her wake broken families; biological and spiritual. People are angry, bewildered, troubled, burdened. I was astounded that in reply, he told me of others he knows personally and through contacts; many older, who have done just the same. These people have all gone off to be their "true selves".

We read such stories and easily mock them for being foolish, selfish, willful and even  treacherous. Some speculate if they really knew God. Sure, there are instances that may be so (but it isn't up to us to conclude). I am not going to say I have the answers. But I do not take these stories lightly. Such drastic departures, a disruption, a whole different trajectory isn't a walk in the park. To come to a day when you feel like your life is fraudulent is a terrifying thing. It is to have everything from under your feet snatched away. There is a crumbling of the soul and an intense void and vulnerability that happens. Like a distracted sheep, a person asking such deep questions about their lives, desperate for answers -- can become easy prey.

It reminds me of teens - those bewildering, frustrating creatures who are undergoing a process of identity formation in earnest. The teen years are tumultuous years. In a way; individuals who suddenly question their lives at the most fundamental levels are not in mid-life crisis as they are returning to a teen phase. Perhaps, there is a deep need in us to journey well, with integrity though every phase of our lives; and for some of us, a failure to do so catches up on us. 

I notice something else. The stories I am getting have come mostly from people who have "lived for others" - pastors, missionaries, church planters etc. I wonder about the connection.

Each of us, have been raised to feel the eyes of others on us 24/7 - to varying degrees. But the spiritual person, a spiritual leader, often feels a responsibility to live well, to shine for Jesus, to be a good witness more so than the average Joe. And I have seen so many unwilling, unhappy ones.

As a teenager, I used to think it must be so boring that all Christians turned out to be like Jesus! I remember going to God to tell him I wasn't so keen on the idea that I had to be his ambassador - not just because I lacked confidence, but because it felt like I would be curbed somehow. 

I had a serious choice to make. [notice the teen negotiation going on]. I would say this, it is an ongoing choice. Following Christ is a daily affair as much as there are significant moments of decisive action.

But what happens when we are pressurized to make a choice? What happens when we don't really dare to look into our hearts to see if we really want the choice; and it is the inexorable pace of life that sends us moving along? What then? Such a person is a trapped soul. He wakes up one day and wonders how he got to where he is.

Despite all appearances, the trapped soul is also one who never really takes sides. He is forever sitting on the fence of trying to please others and fearing for one's bite of the pie, reputation, comfort, status quo (that works).

The trapped soul is not free to really enter into community with others, and also never really enjoys solitude where facing one's true state can be deeply unsettling.

At some point, the teenager realises that he must hack a path and learn to manage this thing called a paradox: having one's way doesn't mean backing away from others.

Jesus taught powerfully on the paradox:

Unless a seed falls to the ground and dies, it remains but a seed... - John 12v24

All potential in the seed will never be realized if the seed refuses to die. What seems contradictory is what works sometimes! 

Jesus modelled this amazing truth for us ultimately: the victory of the Resurrection came through the torment of a most cruel and unjust death, where all seems lost.

This need to be our selves while being deeply engaged in community - where there is a great deal of pressure to conform - is a hard act. Both ends are tough; yet it is this paradoxical way of life - modelled by Jesus - that brings out who we truly are and gives us a measure of freedom on this side of heaven.

Now think how hard it is for those who live in missionary situations and those in leadership.

Do they have a cell group to hang out with come Friday night?
Do people relate to them as persons and not for the roles they play and the stuff they do?
Do they get some latitude to lose their cool, to drink one more beer, to seemingly idle?

It can be unnatural, unreal, and untrue.

I think we need to stop expecting of others what we are unwilling to do.

Many years ago, my church sent a couple of us to visit a single lady missionary in Africa. I was at the end of my first year in seminary and excited about such a trip. The importance of the trip slowly dawned on me months after I returned. Besides the impact of seeing what drastic cultural adjustments she had to go through; a poignant moment was when I spoke to her in a Chinese dialect, whereupon she burst into tears. "So long, so long, I haven't heard Cantonese" she muttered apologetically.

We all need safe places to be ourselves - works in progress. In my last post, I urged us to be a bother to our brothers and sisters. Articulating our need for others to pray, to care for our soul, to offer practical support is being human. It is being real. It is what builds community - that sense that we belong together and need each other.

But we also need to be given the space to pull away from community because the discovery of who you are as God made you and sees you to be is very much a journey taken with God alone. Only God knows who we are. We are His children who carry His name and His 'DNA' and even Saint Paul considered that he could only see dimly.

We need divine revelation, guidance, and encouragement to find out who we truly are.

Too many of us allow the following to tell us who we are:

Pains
Regrets
Memories
Expectations
Ambition
Successes

All of these are but indicators. Only One can decode them rightly for us.

Jesus once responded to the religious elite about the Sabbath. He told the story of David, famously described by no less that Holy Writ as a man after God's heart, eating the bread in the temple coz he and his men were hungry. That's right; Jesus was saying, "David, he broke the law. But he did it not in contempt of the law; but because he got what the law was about. " Then Jesus said, "Don't condemn the guiltless". {Matthew 12}.

The religious elite wanted to keep the law, conform to what they thought were rules that would ensure their salvation. They never got to the heart of things. They mistook the indicators for the message that lay behind them.

What is God trying to say to you through your

Discontent -
Anger -
Sadness -
Loss -

All of us labour under the weight of mutual expectations, which are in turn ladened with the added pressure of past experiences. It therefore takes both courage and discipline to see the state of our soul, bare it before God and perhaps a mature spiritual director/pastor, and learn to do this:

I waited patiently for the LORD
And he inclined to me and heard my cry {what a lovely picture right here}
HE brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay
And he set my feet upon a rock
Making my footsteps firm.
He put a NEW song in my mouth,
A song of praise to our God;
Many will see and fearAnd will trust in the LORD - Psalm 40v1-3

Do you see the process?

Did you get that lovely picture of God's tenderness - bending down to hear you?

Do you want God to give you the stability?

Do you desire firm footsteps, a song to sing, and many hearts to bless?

I worried when writing Shed that I would be read as advocating self-cent redness. It was a distinct possibility when readers with evangelical sensibilities read words like 'self'. It was hard work trying to make the message clear, and honestly I feel now that the book could do with more polish. But I also needed to trust and rest in the truth to assert itself to those who would read with an open mind and heart.

We need as God's people to grow up by being the community we need each other to be.

We need as God's child to grow up to be who God made us.

This means that we need to figure out for our lives how to develop a healthy rhythm of being by ourselves with God and being with others.

It means that church needs to teach and guide people towards this rhythm.

It means we must be less busy.

It means we need safe places and people to talk with.

It means we must value and treasure ourselves rightly, and more.

It means we must dig deeper into Scripture, prayer and history to find out what selfhood and personhood means or get hijacked and confused by popular notions.



What else does it mean….for you?

We need to learn how to live with paradox.

The paradox that we need both solitude and community, action and rest, one and many. The paradox that the self is a bold declaration of God's Creative wonders but also a shy and slow emergence. The paradox that we can be so much more and yet on this side of heaven, never quite get the full picture. The paradox that we will find ourselves so different (being like Jesus) and yet still so much the same.

The servant-King.

The Lion-lamb.

The dead-Resurrected Saviour.

 It's a bit of a tight rope - and I hear that tight rope walkers make it across safely because of two things: they keep their eyes on the end, and they carry a little burden - an umbrella, a pole - that weighs them down a bit.

More food for thought.

*the candied yumminess that made young Edward lose his bearings and play into the White witch's game (Chronicles of Narnia, C.S. Lewis)

each time i walk the streets

each time i walk the streets

my heart tumbles as i see

lives, stories, minds, pains, longings..



our bodies are so smooshed on the train but

sharing air

nearly barely breathing properly

and yet

worse than strangers

it's like nothing is right next to us (unless he smells or make a noise or step into our space)



eating

buying

rushing

going

talking

looking

looking

looking



what is really real to us?



and Jesus - where is He?



in me.

in me?

safely tucked inside to be let out in church and cell?

in me?

trying to get out perhaps?

in me?

O Jesus, i dont hear and see the bodies all around

s'fraid i dont really see or hear u either...



so

now

what