Showing posts with label motherhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label motherhood. Show all posts

23 Sept 2020

Me (you)? The (accidental) Proverbs 31 woman?

 Proverbs 31 did not appeal to me.

I was a mighty teen with grand dreams and staying at home layering out linen did not appeal to me. It felt too archaic and irrelevant as the bracing winds of feminism were blowing.

As a young adult, I found myself studying my mom’s story and the woman in Proverbs 31 felt too much like her - overworked. Never mind that the closing verses speak of how her children honour her.

But one day, when I read these words, I was astonished to recognise myself in it and feel that I could relate to her:

The words of King Lemuel, the oracle which his mother taught him:

An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels.

The heart of her husband trusts in her, And he will have no lack of gain.

She does him good and not evil All the days of her life.

She looks for wool and flax and works with her hands in delight.

She is like merchant ships; she brings her food from afar. She rises also while it is still night And gives food to her household And portions to her maidens. She considers a field and buys it; from her earnings she plants a vineyard.

She girds herself with strength

And makes her arms strong. She senses that her gain is good; Her lamp does not go out at night. She stretches out her hands to the distaff, her hands grasp the spindle.

She extends her hand to the poor, she stretches out her hands to the needy.

She is not afraid of the snow for her household, For all her household are clothed with scarlet. She makes coverings for herself; Her clothing is fine linen and purple.

Her husband is known in the gates, When he sits among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them, And supplies belts to the tradesmen.

Strength and dignity are her clothing, And she smiles at the future. She opens her mouth in wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.

She looks well to the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and bless her; her husband also, and he praises her, saying: “Many daughters have done nobly, but you excel them all.”

Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised. Give her the product of her hands, And let her works praise her in the gates.


How did I end up being the woman I was trying to avoid to become?



all images taken from Unsplash

God does not peddle in popular ideas or recommendations. God’s word offers us the truth. So while I did not like Proverbs 31, it is God's word about true femininity and God in his love for us will take all of us who are willing to let him lead the way.

I guess that's what happened to me.

I bumped up against my femininity at two fronts: the church’s political structure, and marriage. While my church embraced and empowered me in my growing years, things became bumpy when I joined the clergy. From sexist comments by parishioners to a sense of alone-ness and discomfiture with my predominantly male collegiate, it felt like I had to account for and explain my personhood.

Most of it went unsaid, but the systems had been designed and led by men for so long that it was hard for the brothers to empathize and hard for me to vocalize. More strident colleagues have advocated that I resist the underlying patriarchy, but I did not feel at peace about it. My brothers, I felt, were not my enemies. But what is unsaid would go underground and surface, often at really bad times. So I studied and prayed myself to a place of acceptance and peace. To say it is no longer an issue would be a lie. But to know that my selfhood originated and will be sustained by the Maker grants immense assurance and agency.

With marriage came the confusing journey of sexual interest, submission and surviving regular conflicts. It was not difficult to see that a good deal of all of this is gendered in origin, and that neither of us were well discipled beyond the ‘love your wife, submit to your husband’ rhetoric.

Too many marriage jokes abound around the stereotypes and caricatures, good for a momentary release of the valve of frustration, but can be unhelpful if they limit our growth. Stereotypes give us a false sense of knowledge and control, which is why they are so popular, but it can stop the innate fight in the human heart for that which is glorious and good.

This bumpy journey could make me hardened, cynical and even bitter. Thankfully, the Triune God met me repeatedly as the Father who cares, the Saviour and older brother who rescues and supports, and the sweet Spirit comforts and champions me.

At age thirty-three I became a mother. Due to my own longing for a permanent loving presence in my life, I chose to relinquish my clerical role to stay home. The decision would be tested many times, but it also bore much fruit.

Even as I am fiercely committed to my family, especially my children, I discovered that God my Abba was faithful and fiercely committed to do me good.

He helped me contest the stereotype of the dour housewife as He drew out my gifts, brought me cheerleaders and opened doors for me to be true to my convictions and to who I am.

Made in His image, I discovered my creativity and passion even as I served my family and the needs that came to my attention.

God gave me the capacity to endure and many times enjoy the humdrum of daily life by helping me notice the sunrises and sunsets - how repetitively glorious they are!

He chiseled away the idolatrous tendencies in my heart that drove me to fear and anxiety.

Even as my boy swelled to home a life, God enlarged my heart for children (I can’t wait to be a grandma!).

He established my gifts to the Body of Christ as a pastor and writer.

My feminine self is woven thick through all of these varied seasons and experiences of growth.

My femininity is not a liability.

It is in fact, precisely the other half of who God is, and what the world needs to see, experience and be impacted by.


The roads to fullness are many and I want to be wary of being prescriptive. However, as I worry about being too dogmatic to insist that women stay home when they become mothers, I am deeply convinced the women are uniquely shaped to do exactly that. Our brain circuitry, natural inclinations and abilities (read mental load bearing) enable us to envision and execute multiple roles.

In some ways, it may be good to examine if our sense of femininity has been attacked or reduced due to traumatic experiences or social pressure which we succumbed to.

Recently I read this article by Scott Hubbard (the warfare that is waged in the home) who skilfully explains how femininity is powerful, and the hearth is a unique space for that power to be honed.

Yes, to become fully woman in our identity and God's making of us, we have to take the home-front seriously.

And you don't have to be a wife or mother to do so, really.

"From beginning to end, then, the Proverbs 31 woman is not merely a homemaker. She is a victor on the feminine field of war."

We see the Bible explain how right from the beginning, in seeking to snuff out life, the enemy of life chose to attack the woman, causing a seismic loss of confidence in women and a bent to self-guilt (think of how easily we apologize even when it isn't our fault?).

Jesus Christ's full forgiveness and celebration of the feminine calls us to regain our rightful confidence and freedom.

"(T)he Proverbs 31 woman is not only countercultural now; she was countercultural then. A woman who fears the Lord always will be. If we cannot see the heroism in this homemaker, then, our ideas of heroism and womanhood may be shaped more by society than Scripture. As Alastair Roberts writes, “Our failure to see the heroism and strength of such a diligent and active woman is a failure to see the world as God does”

"G.K. Chesterton observed that all work outside the home necessarily turns us into specialists of one sort or another. It tends to make us narrow, not broad. ..e will find “marketing manager,” “insurance salesman,” “electrician,” or “mechanic.” Each of these jobs cultivates a person’s gifts, but only in a limited number of directions.

A wife and mother, on the other hand, is “generally shut up in the house with a human being at the time when he asks all the questions that there are, and some that there aren’t.... When a woman says she is a homemaker, she actually says she is a dozen things at once: teacher, interior decorator, cook, financial steward, craftswoman, cleaner, gardener, life coach, and so on. As such, she “does not ‘give her best,’ but gives her all.”

Which woman does not relate? The mother easily does, especially the way who stays home. But women everywhere know this to be true too. In the office, who does the job of bringing beauty, refreshment (and clearing up afterwards) and tasked to buy gifts and generate community ideas typically fall to?

"And then, “when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his son, born of woman” (Galatians 4:4). And what kind of woman? Not a soldier or a judge, not a leader or a queen, but rather a woman who heard God’s word and received it, who treasured up the promise as she labored in her home, who fought the serpent through faith in God, and thereby welcomed into Bethlehem the Savior of the world. In wars between nations, women at home think of their men on the frontlines. In the world’s cosmic war, mothers man the frontlines. Home is where the heroines are."


Just w-o-w.

I think i need to brew a cup of tea to savour what has happened to me.


How does one hold a sense of gratitude, pride, humility, hope and joy all together?

All is Grace.

(and I think my late mom would agree)


What has been hard for you about being a woman?

Does this post help you feel more excited and empowered?

Share in the comments.


20 May 2019

God's Amazing Plan of Motherhood (and Sp Parenting)


Fearlessness is faith unleashed.



Mothering ignites faith.
You have to believe.
That breastmilk is best and so time, pump, feed, store (Olympic athelete Montana pumps, stores and ships her milk across the globe!).
That your child is unique and worth protecting, nourishing, nurturing.
That sacrifices are a holy exchange of life when you lose sleep and develop a whole new lifestyle so that a new life can be birthed and raised.
That while the system is good, it isn’t perfect and you have to many times, stand up for your child.
That your words, hugs, look of love, meals, stories, prayers make a difference.

And faith unleashed, makes you a fearless warrior, fighting for what truly matters: life.



Any good warrior tells you there are

boring routines

necessary and often painful disciplines to gain muscle and develop strength

sacrifices of comfort and ease

the need to develop a mindset and a tough heart

because there is a battle worth fighting for.

And the warrior is made, not born. He began as a recruit, a legionary, a simple soldier reporting for duty.



There are many ways to see and do life.

The most common is to go with the flow.

You move from one stage of life to the next, because you are ‘old enough’, ‘it’s time’, ‘expectations and body clocks kick in… This does not mean you don’t plan. In fact, you plan quite well, from thinking through options, weighing pros and cons, consulting others, doing the Math and so on… The question is whether these ways are life-giving ways, wise ways, enduring ways.

Another way to go with the flow is takes a ‘come what may’ approach and hate to plan, it’s a moment-by-moment flow. This is highly popular with the younger set, who eventually give to the need to forecast and therefore to endure the dread of discipline grudgingly.

Following the flow isn’t morally wrong, but it is easily driven by FOMO (fear of missing out) and by sheer fear (of change and taking ownership). It is easy to see how one can drift or become indistinguishable from the crowd.

This is the soldiering part of life.

At some point, life presents you with the opportunity to become a warrior.

You choose battles

You train

You fight

You win and you lose



Along the way, faith is built and fear is banished.

This is God's design, where he invites us to give up what we hold so tightly on to, and trust him for something better. Perhaps our success-to-date, our comfortable lifestyles, our well-planned ideals... which wrap within them a whole lot of fears and anxieties, aspirations and disappointments. We grasp on afraid to let go...

But if we only will!

The journey of leaning into a new journey, unfamiliar experiences, stuff we don't think we can do... that how we get to feel in our bones and our sinews the deep truth that even if our battles are similar or related, each of us is a unique individual with a destiny.

A journey that requires maturation - a dedicated process that works.


The guys have their journey from motley solider to unique warrior.

For women, mothering is the unique journey.




As I have yielded my body to God’s wondrous design to host life. As I have let my heart soften to the coos and cries of my child. As I have given up sleep, entertainment, a whole familiar and comfortable way of life. As I have made choice after choice to be the adult, grow myself and be at my best for my child(ren)....  I have done the equivalent of digging trenches, countless marches, sweat-soaked training, even arming myself. (and hence we have asked a Minister once to pay SAHMs coz it's like national service).

The trench of going over the same thing, feeding, diaper changing, repeating that story for a hundredth time… these repetitive acts dig a trench of safety for us to huddle in. 
The march back and forth to soothe and quieten, fetch another drink, patiently guide unsteady hands to pick up another toy. 
The days when there is hardly time to get a proper shower (and thankfully bub never ever minds it) much less have a slow go at the throne. 
Picking up my weapons of prayer and intercession….polished to a shine from use.



It’s so common to hear moms say they are surprised by how they can sacrifice, and how they now realise the depth of what their moms went through. But that’s merely scratching the surface.

Motherhood is deep stuff.

God carves capacities in us that cannot come another way.

The capacity of faith lies at the heart of it.

Mothering (and Sp Parenting) is hard. It can be unpredictable. It’s been said there are no guarantees (but that’s most of life anyway). You recognise the limits of control... yet -

If we accept that this is God’s wisdom and lean into it, we can become warriors who are fearless.



We know what it’s like to sleep two hours and still function.

We know our bodies mend and heal.

We know we can think deep and talk simple.

We know we can invent solutions and face crises (from meal planning to stretching the dollar to averting accidents).

We know we can adjudicate, negotiate, persuade, coach.

We know we can serve joyfully.

We know we can appreciate the present moment and find delight in simple things.

We know we can speak up and stand up for what we believe in.


Tell me, is this not maturity, a growing fullness in our humanity, a carpe diem seizing of our lives to make it count, and a confident way to leave a legacy?

I remember a young mom who was abjectly frustrated for her style in life is to plan to the hilt and enjoy the control she had. Mothering shattered this false illusion for her. Hopefully, more than merely soldiering on and hoping things ease up, she dug in and transformed into a warrior!

Soldiers become warriors when they quit pining for life outside the camp, but dig into life in the camp and take the battle seriously.


The ‘wisdom’ of the world is to lie to you that it is all about loss. Sniff out this false narrative quickly. That’s the world’s favourite presentation: you are going to lose out.

And sure, perhaps you may never get that job (or your figure) back.

But is that truly a loss? Really, is your life the work you do and the shape of your body?


The world isn’t operating on God’s agenda, but is reeling from a determined rebellion against God. How can it offer you and I what is truly life-giving and eternal?



God’s ways are going to be inconvenient and counter-cultural in such a world.

Caring for someone else, being generous, ‘wasting’ time going over the same “why?”, not having full control over life (you cannot even control bodily functions of your baby ok) - is how God designed life so that he can delight us with His care, provision, wisdom and strength.

Mothering and all forms of parenting  is God’s marvelous design to build life into us as we follow our faith.

When I decided to prioritise my family, I wasn’t able to foresee much of anything. But I knew enough to know that it’s an illusion anyway to think we can shape outcomes so easily. But the true north of this priority unfolded in marvelous ways.

Today I continue in my pastoral calling (although it isn’t a very conventional ‘format’), I have embarked on a writing journey and authored six books. I have had to face up to my many skeletons and heal! Along the way, I have found so many wonderful women soul sisters. Now that my children are more grown, and I am warrior-like, I feel so excited about what faith will unleash next!

This is the other way to live: go with the faith.

What do you really believe in?


14 May 2015

and then Narnia: surprises in new motherhood

M is for motherhood. It is also for Mystery, misgivings, mistakes and marvelous things!
I invite moms to share this month here. We begin with a new mother, Rox, who describes herself as 'an accidental saty-at-home mom, former slave to the corporate world; now a happy slave to her son Max'.
Look at Max, such a happy chubs ~


"Entering motherhood, for me, was like opening a wardrobe and stumbling into Narnia - a foreign land and a whole new world. 
w o n d e r 

There are battles to be fought, discoveries to be made and victories to be won. My identity and role as a woman shifted from a wife to also a mother and yet there were times when I felt as helpless as a newborn and as clueless as a child sometimes would with a new experience. 

I was suddenly set on a path to distinguish parenting truths from myths, to separate science from superstition and to sometimes decide between listening to my instincts or well-meaning advice. There is a barrage of choices to be made and theories to be tested; from breastfeeding to exclusively pumping to formula feeding, having schedules in place or following a baby-led routine, how to sleep-train and so on. Some choices seemed to invite judgment which then made me feel less of a mother and some made me feel wrongfully superior. More significantly, there will be choices that reflect my values as a parent; values that will inevitably be passed on to the child and could potentially shape his behaviour and beliefs. The voices of the world are many, loud and confusing, so it is a relief to know I could always turn to the voice of God, our perfect parent, for instruction, assurance and comfort.

And then there are the surprises; the loud burps that I can never imagine would come from such a tiny human being, the embarrassing farts that I thought could only belong to the husband, and the baby's ability to always wake up when I'm in the middle of a shower! I discovered that my physical and mental resilience could be stretched, that it was possible to function on little sleep and still remain joyful. I even started to exhibit sacrificial behaviour, putting the baby's needs before my own, letting my stomach growl angrily while satisfying his hunger. The maternal instinct that kicked in caught me by surprise - I became protective and passionate about every aspect of his well-being.
As I became more comfortable about my new role, the journey began to be filled with many magical moments - they say a picture is worth a thousand words but some emotions cannot be captured with either pictures or words. Thinking that newborns mainly eat, sleep and poop all day, I was proven wrong when my 2-month old son started responding to me with a variety of sounds - it gave me such a rush to be able to have a conversation with him, sort of. When he shows interest in a book or song, I wonder if he'll love reading or music as much as I do. I started to think about where his strengths and passions will lie and what kind of character he'll turn out to be!

Finally, I've come to realise what a privilege it is to be able to influence and disciple my child and I can't wait to see what God has in store for him.



Rox & Max