Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts

4 May 2017

One Simple Solution To A Better {whatever} .....

Thank God for light bulbs. I mean the kind that comes on when you are not exactly even directly thinking about something and then -- zap! 



That's what happened last week and I want to share the zap with you. It's so simple, I kinda feel silly I never saw it before. Not only is it simple, it is powerful.

Here it is:


A lot of what we want in terms of our relationships and work and church 
don't happen because 
we hold back. 

That's it.



A huge reason why we hold back is because someone has not met our expectations.

The senior pastor cannot..
My spouse should... but doesn't...
The kids ought to be more...

Think about it for a while.

These disappointments have a way of causing us to hold back. 
We decide not to be party to what's happening in church. We withhold affection and tenderness. We skirt around the generous option so as to 'teach them a lesson'.

In a way this is part of our survival/defence mechanism and there is a place for it. We don't want to become rugs and be taken for granted or for a ride (though, have you been able to really avoid that?). But this same mechanism when it kicks in can hold all the potential and promise in a relationship hostage.

Many gifts are not developed and used.
Many deeper intimacies are not experienced.
Many possibilities may be left unexplored.

Again, I want to say there is a place to have job descritpions and expectations, but when people let us down, we don't have to let the whole thing get even lesser because we let our hearts grow cold, even cynical.

The Math is simple. If someone isn't doing enough, and we pull back, the sum total is less. 

On the other hand, if we separate the need to deal with inadequacies and incompetence with our response and participation, then the scenario becomes more positive.




Find a proper channel and give the feedback.Write an honest appeal.Sit down for a vulnerable chat.

At the same time, don't stop doing the good you can and making the difference you can (the difference you make is actually very significant as it is unique to you).

Unless you hear what you can confidently say is God's word to you to act in a certain way, I think these two verses provide the parentheses for how we should respond:


Now if the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body. And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? ~ 1 Corinthians 12v15-17

This points out the truth that we make a difference, and it is a unique, needed difference. God has put us together in our marriage, family, churches (even though you made certain choices, but pause and think and you will see Grace stands behind it) for us to be a part of it. We are a part of it and have a part in it.


Again, I have been in that place of complaining and grumbling before and I know it has taken away from the whole. In fact, there is another little verse that should startle us. In Philippians 2v15 it says that if we can act without grumbling and complaining, we shine like stars that contrasts with the way the world operates!


Here is the other side of the parenthesis:



Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. ~ Colossians 3v23-24


If we think of the first end of it as Engage. This other end then is about Excellence, not so much in terms of churning out the best piece of work, but in terms of directing the focus and glory of our efforts towards Christ. I have found it really hard to laze and be snarky when I work for Jesus, think about His love for me and the unending supply of Grace that always suffices as long as I stay connected to Him.


These two wonderful promises come to mind:

“I am the Vine, you are the branches. When you’re joined with me and I with you, the relation intimate and organic, the harvest is sure to be abundant. Separated, you can’t produce a thing. Anyone who separates from me is deadwood, gathered up and thrown on the bonfire. But if you make yourselves at home with me and my words are at home in you, you can be sure that whatever you ask will be listened to and acted upon. This is how my Father shows who he is—when you produce grapes, when you mature as my disciples." ~ John 15v5-8, The Message Bible

I can do all things in him who strengthens me. ~ Philippians 4v13, RSV

 Are you holding back in some way?

Why should our homes and churches and communities be less because we are missing your smile, your abilities, your ideas, and your energy?

Come on, Engage, with Excellence.


This week:

How can you address what's holding you back? 
What is one way you can brave it and give more of yourself away?

Let's see how it goes... and share your experiences back here in the comments please.



3 Nov 2014

Ignore the war and lose the battle

Maybe this applies only to me. 

But after having listened to hundreds of people, especially women, I think I am not the oddball here.

Negative Thoughts.

It is a very real battle, part of a war of cosmic proportions. I know, it sounds 'normal' when the circuitry goes -
He's gone and done it again
Hiaz, I don't think this is going to change
What to do...this is the way church is..
I'm not good enough 
Some self-doubt is good or we would all be obnoxious pompous pigs {sorry, pigs, writers love alliterations}. But, when it comes around, lurks in your mind, sneaks into your conversation, lingers in your memory -- and it makes you or worse, someone else smaller -- it is time to take action. Yes, it is time to take all your ammo out and shoot it to smithereens. {My son will be very proud of me for such decisive, drastic thoughts; he the one who wants to blast road-hogs into space}.

In particular, I am talking about those closest and dearest to us. We see their spots: soft, weak, blind, gross... and it is easy for us to pick on those spots like we are scratching an itch. It is honestly, quite effortless. Plus, we get plenty of help from the Enemy who has a deep fascination with disintegration, destruction and discouragement. If you and I can experience any of these within our bosoms and in our relationships, it is success for him.

God designed us to live in relationships. This is how we learn who we are and become who we can be. In the ~
tussle,
the give-and-take,
the forgiveness,
the letting go,
the learning to respect and to gain respect,
the drawing of boundaries and the breaking of rules

-- we uncover our personhood and thrive as humanity and community.

Nothing wrecks us like isolation, accusation, and condemnation. With all our best devices and ideas, these trio lurks close by because it is not the media that connects us but the Master.

So much of my life would be different if the Master did not have his say. I can see the debris of broken trust, the fall-out from half-truths, the abject brokenness of abandoned projects of life. But thankfully the Master had his say.

So you and I; we risk, reach out, restore, and release.

There is a horrid battle going on right now in the Middle East. It is a familiar battle of frustration, disenchantment and a different dream wanting expression. The observers and critics all say it is a battle that can only be won if there is enough political will and commitment. Just striking from the air won't do the job. It will cost us heavy. But the alternative? A continual bleed that turns up in a new spot? I don't know if it can be finally stopped due to the ideological and religious roots of such movements. But it is instructive for us. The battle is expressing a larger war of ideas and ideals.

In a sense all our battles too arise out of a clash of ideas and ideals. So out of a sense of frustration, of feeling like we are overpowered, of a lack and a desire burgeoning to break the ground...come our harsh words, impatience, and weary thoughts - all expressions of a larger war where we have not learnt to find peace, contentment and suck the marrow of life. Instead our hearts are tossed hither thither by ideas and pictures that tantalise and lure us away from what we do have; keeping us in a forever 'I don't have enough' mode. We have not submitted our hard-won ideas and ideals to the Master. No wonder we cannot hear him -

The Master says to us we are strong enough with Him to bear the tough stuff of life. Where people are concerned; this means they will never be enough for us. Yes, our longing and hunger for love is so great it needs a Great Lover to meet it.

The Master calls to us to keep waving that crazy banner of hope that there is Glory right here to be had. Where people are concerned; this means we never give up seeing them in God's light so that we choose to believe and trust rather than to doubt and distrust.* 

Nearly everyday, those Negative Thoughts would try to occupy me. They come sometimes in legion and spread out mats all ready to have a picnic! Regrettably, I am able to write this precisely because I have sometimes failed to bat them away with a mighty Word. This is what happens then:

him: .....
me: (gruff)....
him:... ??...
me: ...(still gruff)...
him: (wiser now)..wait a minute, how is this related?...

If only this was a preamble to a warm heart-to-heart that led to hugs and kisses. No. More often that not, it just exhausts us!

If we really held on, we won't be adrift

I woke up this morning to a Negative Thought. {they are very impolite; they never ever knock but barge right in}. By now, I know better. I take out my broom and sweep it away. Out! Damn thought! Then I go sit with the Master. My mind and heart soon fills with far superior things and occupations. I want to pray  and build up the very person I began the day with odious thoughts about. I become aware of their struggles and needs, and tender thoughts fill me.... I have stopped reducing him/her to his/her weakness but is seeing the person.

Fellow woman-soul (& the men who care), remember there is a war, so be armed; and you won't lose this battle.
 
*this does not apply if the person has a compromised mental capacity or has repeatedly hurt you. Please see the police/a counselor.



2 Sept 2009

love nearly fade

How fragile our love and loving is - when it's about warm, welcoming feelings of closeness, comfort and cosy-mosy fuzzies...imagine this, i almost, yes, lost love for my precious daughter for whom i have invented a dozen words of endearment!

She was so obstinate, so full of contradicting (me), so whiny...i was after her for hair pins, homework, music practice, meals...and all this after spending so much time as a stay-home-mom! something wilted within me. In fact we were trying to grow this plant which tested our faith to the limit by staying wilty - not alive, not quite dead...just a few minutiae of leaves at the end of its skinny two stalks - a perfect picture of how i felt.

O gosh, whenw e were in the car and the familiar whine went off, i just shut up. Cajoling was out. Threats were too tiring. But as i kept quiet, i could lmost feel the hum of the engine of my heart slowing down too! Like an early frost. Thankfully that sent shivers - and i shook myself and awakened to the realities that no doubt all good responsible parents face: the real possibility of relationships souring.

i hunkered down, wiped my tears and said my prayers. Then i got up and shook off my silly needy self and rose up afresh - a grown up, responsible for reining in my feelings and cultivating creative avenues for transformation. i opened the deep chest of memories and pulled out a few favourites and stared at them a long time until the warmth forced the frost to beat a retreat.

Then I stepped out again. We will grow through this - together.