Far from home, close to Love - when mom goes away for three weeks!

I had expected more suspicious looks and carefully let-out recriminations that sum up as:

How Can You Leave Them?

It is the first thing that wormed within me when the email came that I received the scholarship.

I thought about how my mother didn't even buy herself anything fancy, visit a spa or expect gifts, until she had retired and our support had been steady and strong.

Just a generation away, and the responses I received were:

I am envious man
You deserve it
What an opportunity
Great break, go for it!

I am committed to grow as a person and in my vocation as a pastor-writer. Still, my mom-heart is so dead-centre in my being that the decision was anything but easy.

It isn't because I am a hovering parent. It's not even because of the son's exams. It's not that I fear they will unravel without me, for they won't.

I am the kind of momma who has knitted her soul with her children. I am pretty sure we haven't always made all the best choices for them, but my love is deep. My soul quivers, rises and falls sullen upon their childishness, their stubbornness, their strengths and weaknesses. My children affect me deeply, and I let them.

I think we affect God deeply, and He lets us.

But I am aware of a beckoning.
I sense a weariness in my soul.
Extended solitude is safety for the soul.
And it's time to write.

So I packed very slowly over a few days, quite unsure what I will need as I watch the weather. [It is a good thing I am a minimalist, so I am here with 4 sets of clothes and no hair dryer].


When I arrive, I know straight away this is a place their souls will come alive and miss them.

But this is a gift for me and I need to receive it.

The children are brave. Of course, they want to come. Of course, they blurt out that I am 'on holiday'. Of course, they are missing me. But the best love a momma soul can have? They believe that their momma is on adventure with God. They encouraged me and assure me that they will be fine!



We love to try to make sense of everything, but this hiatus is quite awkward to make sense of.

The productive ones who use a ledger want to know what i gained by this 'sacrifice' (so, have you written anything so far?).
The romantics want to see lovely pictures, read about my jaunts and share the adventures.
The worriers don't need to say anything, I am quite capable of conjuring worse case scenarios myself!

I only know God carved out this space and time for me. He will have the answers to the rest if I really need them, in His time.

So, till the end of April, please know that if you need to make any decision and it's not easy, it's okay.

And do pray for me to return stronger, more loving, and hopefully with some writing too.

The One reason to keep you going and growing

What keeps you going?
What keeps you growing?

Coming to Christ gives us a new command centre, but as we can clearly see from all the difficulties Paul the apostle had with the early church, a new identity and destiny does not always translate into new godly behaviours easily.

With Whatsapp, I belong to several group chats. One of them is a group of ladies who I go to exercise class with. That chat is filled with Youtube videos, links, pictures and quotes about living healthy, shopping cheap, and eating well.

One time I decide to risk a little and peel it all back by asking, "It is normal to be afraid of sickness and want to be happy. Perhaps we should ask 'Why'".

Perhaps we should /why?'.

I imagine it is entirely possible for other chat groups to exist consisting of fellow Christians who post videos, links, pictures and quotes about .... more or less the same thing, with a layer of 'faith' and large doses of Christian activities thrown in. 

Another event.
Another seminar.
Another conference.
Another gathering.
Another training.

Another speaker/teacher/prophet.

Perhaps we should ask /why?'.

What if --

We are afraid... that Singaporean syndrome called kiasuism. We are afraid to lose out on the latest, the great 'spiritual deals' as it were.

What if we are really worried that we will look ignorant, ill-informed, not with the times?

What if we are really unsure of our faith?

I was prodded to start asking 'why' many years ago by a missionary friend's well-written piece on what he calls a peculiar Christian disease: 'meeting-gitis' -- the endless meetings Christians feel obliged to attend. 

It is true, isn't it?

 So few of us even  think through the ramifications of our daily devotions and Sunday sermons so that we are living them out.

Many of these conferences are fantastic and have solid material. But our buffet spread is wolfed down and poorly digested, much less savoured for all its texture and flavour.

Less can be more.

Scripture urges us, '

keep in step with the Spirit' ~ Galatians 5v25

How do we do this unless we know where we are. Unless we really see, for without good sight, how shall we know which way to go? 

This admonition is given in the context of real intra- and interpersonal struggles. Right here, right now. 

Yes, it's great to follow the grand winds of the Spirit. But the Spirit of creative orchestration works specifically and uniquely in each of our lives. A meaningful journey is not a long march of the masses. It is a deliberate walk by the pilgrim. A walk where flowers are noticed, pauses are made, strangers are met and turn into friends, where difficulties are surmounted and overcome.

It is a journey where we learn to see truly, rightly and lovingly.  

You are a pilgrim, not a tourist. 

Go on your walk.

Keep in step with the Spirit who is leading you.

You may be feeling tired from all the stuff you feel you ought to be part of. You may know others who are trudging along and adding one more thing to their plate.

Ask yourself 'why?'.

The Holy Spirit works in our lives and circumstances to bring us to both understand and experience God's goodness of abundance.

I have met too many who don't know how to relate to parents, spouse, sibling. I have met too many who complain about fellow Christians. I have met too many who live clueless about why they have the issues and struggles they do.

Their lives appear to suffer from a lack of leadership. Or perhaps, it is a lack of follower-ship. There is no real pause to observe, sense, and obey the Spirit.

Life is hard, and it doesn't get easier except in one way: you either know how to walk, or you don't.

The Holy Spirit wants to lead you. Will you follow?

Don't let the reason to grow and go on be a fear of being left behind. Let is be that you hear the Spirit beckoning you. Let it be Love. Nothing else will really do.

Traveler's Views and Notes

~ an expensive trip for a frugal soul

the last two years we made long, costly trips. in 2012 i felt we needed to visit my brother in the USA. thankfully we did and enjoyed precious memories together: trying to ski, sitting by the fireplace, talking about the American elections, and most of all, the late night talks between us, about God. I still remember praying for snow for my son who has never seen that most magical sight: a snowfall. and just an hour before we needed to ride to the airport; there they came, floating down, gently at first! we grabbed our coats and dashed out the house to dance about in the falling of water in most beautiful forms! Hope seemed to bounce about us.

last june, i made a similar trip - but to bid him adieu from this side of heaven. a very different trip - back to the same lovely house of his on his sprawling yard; but this time it was sorting things out, crying, some laughing and as the family members poured in, food and more food; and more tears even as Grace wrapped around us and wove some fresh bonds.

earlier this year, the hubs and i while talking realised we never ever did have what is called a 'sabbatical'. still, we were grateful for the many pit-stops over the years to refuel and stay sane. then we thought, why not go to the one place we both love alot; and now that the kids are older, they will appreciate it more. New Zealand. Land of seas, sounds and sheep! 

but as i began to plan, i struggled. drawing out money to pay for trip to be with people we love makes sense to me. going on a trip just to enjoy ourselves felt so indulgent; especially when i am still learning Jesus' heart for the poor. i felt this strange conflict brewing in me. i wasn't sure where to place the line. my children have asked me before, "are we rich?". at first, my answer was "no". we were not rich by Singapore standards, when compared with many of our peers. But then, more recently, i have told them we are; because more than 80% of the world live with less than $10 a day.

so i kept checking back with the hubs our budget. can we really do this? 

we did it. we paid a tidy sum to-just-rest. it seems rather silly; but this is the state of our world. it tires

 us out so much. 

we skipped around animal poo on farms and talked with llamas, deer, sheep, chickens, ducks, seals, dogs, cats.. we drove or sat in an 11-hour train journey and went ooo and aah over the endless stretches of sea, rolling tussocks, sheep and cattle. we cooked and ate when we were hungry and basked in the long summer hours, exploring lakesides and glaciers. it was a lot of fun! we felt so enlivened to be so immersed in the beauty and power of creation. 

i had told the children why we are taking the trip: that we have both love the vast land; that there will be plenty for them to experience, that we will build great memories. i had reminded them of the expense and our values of not wasting and although i had thought to give some a little pocket change to spend; in the end, they both held back and didn't spend a cent on purchases! we came back just with ourselves, fattened by our wonderful experiences.

despite my inner struggle with the cost, amid the fears of spending alot and not getting a good return, the real and present danger of having to manage little tiffs and skirmishes of the heart..this was a trip held by Peace.

it was not so much about going away to get; but a making time and space to go deeper into something God had been seeking to deposit in our lives. Some times, we have to break our rhythms and even escape the scene to see and feel God's gifts deep enough they enter our beings.

At one point, i felt as if God himself stood between me and all my questions and anxieties and shielded me from the raucous soul-noises and just let me en-joy. a true vacation is one where you vacate the scene and just be.

and like the waters that are still reflect all the grandeur and beauty here, a quieted soul can take in the light and shape of all that is around and let them express without distorting them as rushing waters would.

~ wow, we did that?

i have a fear of heights while the hubs gets sick from motion. but i mounted a horse that must have been twelve hands tall and we took a small ski plane up to walk on snow upon ice! a lot of the time we felt too cold than we were used to; but mostly the weather permitted us to drive safely and enjoy the activities we did.

at mount cook, we were told the winds could get so strong that once the hotel windows all blew in and crashed. the hotel is solid reinforced steel and quite metallic and ugly-looking in order to survive the wild winds that come with such virgin territory. for the four little Singaporeans dizzy with delight? we had that "one fine, fantastic day" to fly out into the mountains the guide told us. 

young explorers at mount cook

without very precise planning {as i am not capable of it}  - we had moved in car, train, ship, horseback and on foot. we had lived in the city, in a monastery cradled in a valley, next to the sea, in the mountains and in a forest with deers around us!

Sometimes it's the journey that teaches you a lot about your destination ~ Drake.

Travel well friends!

Why Home-sickness is a good place to begin your 2014

Happy New Year!

How will you be travelling this year? There are four modes of moving along:

a/ well-planned to the hilt
you already have your goals and plans, a list of things to do by the end of January. Some more seasoned travelers by this mode would even have included safety precautions and back-up plans.

b/ tumbling or drifting
you basically dislike to plan. after all, things don't necessarily go your way (before or ever); so going with the flow is just easier: no fuss, no fight, no fire (to put out).

c/ pushed onward
there are strong forces within you that propel you or there are expectations you know you need to live up to.

d/ hanging on to a string of reactions
you may have goals and aspirations; but in reality, your travel style is to wait-and-see how things turn. You can get red-hot mad or walk away, depending on how you feel you are being treated.

Most of us will be using some combination of these four. But there is a fifth way. It is the way of God's Grace. This way sits at the bottom of all other ways, it also holds and weaves through the other modes of travel. For most of us, most of the time though, we are only vaguely aware of this ever-present Grace.
Why not live aware and upon this Grace so that each time we sing 'Amazing Grace', it is a distinct sense of awe with specific recollections and not vague ideas about how Amazing Grace truly is!

The way of God's Grace is to live tethered to God and His homeward call to us. It is living with a sense of homesickness.

I am rather a person on the move, relishing new experiences and challenges. But whether I am out for the day or away for weeks, a special feeling surges up in my soul as i turn homeward. It feels like a homesickness. I have missed home and hearth. I have missed the safe, familiar, comfortable, 'my place' sense.

It is the well-rooted tree that can spread its branches wide out and continue to bear fruit without over-stretching or toppling over.

Where is home for you? A small spot of ground or a huge house isn't what matters. It is where your heart rests that is home.

God is our home - for those of us who are His children because we believe that Jesus Christ died for our sins and want to live for Him. We go home to God often and dare not run wild and distracted that we cannot find our way home to rest and be restored.

Kingdom is our home - for those of us who are God's new people, called to build a different way of living; we find home when we are among those who share this same dream of a peaceable Kingdom in our broken-up world.

I get homesick a lot like when -
I've been waddling in shallows making waves when I can say 'see ya later' to everything and everyone and go out to the deep and float free.

I am fussing over the stuff that doesn't really count or last and then a ray of Kingdom light and eternity shines across my shoulder and I need to turn my eyes to see.

I am busy counting my small pile of gold coins of 'have', 'need', 'want more of', and forget that's just pavement where I am headed - it's the wrong currency to trade in

I see a picture of grim need, an old wrinkled face, a broken-hearted parent whose child was here a moment before that shrapnel came whizzing past

I need to feel this homesickness. You do too. For in the end, we are pilgrims, travelers, aliens, a-passing-through. And it is this homesickness - our desperate need for God, our deep convictions of a different world, that will help us travel by the mode of Grace.

As we beat our own path to God-home and soak in Grace, our hearts and minds expanding with Him.
As we work out our salvation by living as saved ones, building a different world, and know it will never happen apart from Grace-miracles where our pockets, priorities and perspectives shifting from sand to rock.

So yes, Home-sickness is a good place to begin your 2014.


Happy NEW year friends!