Love, sex and The Marriage

In one conversation with a young adult about marriage, she was honest enough to say that while she wasn't crazy about settling down; she did wish to experience sex.

She is still single today; and I am glad she is living purposefully.

But society has made sex such a big deal, and such a cheap thrill.

Even while we still shift uncomfortably in our chairs and blush at this topic, the world has charged ahead to accuse us once again of being priggish, prudish and behind-the-times. Faith is for old ladies with knitting needles, not hot-blooded gals and guys. Not only that, our whole one man-one woman arrangement is outmoded and o so restrictive!

So today, we need to talk about sex, for these reasons:
1. sex has become synonymous with Love in our media.
2. sex is not properly wowed about

In our day of self-fulfillment at practically any cost, those of us who believe that sex is a holy thing properly handled in suitable places and ready hearts are made to feel backed into a corner and have to explain ourselves! We are the accused -- our broad and grand ways in Christ are made to be narrow and old-fashioned and we are labeled fear-mongers.

But I think my little parenting wisdom works here too: like I teach my kids, if you are right, you don't bother getting angry.

We work with our script and guard it. Not let some thief come in and rip it up.

Let's return to point 1: sex = Love. The equation is clearly flawed. Love is far more than sexual intimacy (& intimacy ala Hollywood's sizzle).

Ask the couple who struggles to consummate but have stayed married. 

Or the couple that no longer can due to illness, imprisonment or abandonment. 

Ask those who had a go but have since been let go because a wilder body walked by. 

See the unlikely couple who is now going to have a second boy. (this world-class guy-without-limb Nick V).

nick 's family last year

Sex is a gift so powerful we unwrap it too early and wrong to our peril. Ps Scott Sauls puts it this way:

God put guardrails around sex because sex is the most delightful, and also the most dangerous, of all human capacities. It is a transcendent, other-worldly experience. Sex works a lot like fire. On one hand, fire can warm and purify. On the other hand, if not contained properly and handled with care, it can burn, leave permanent scars, infect, and destroy. So it is with sex. I have seen this play out in scores of pastoral situations over the years. “There is a way that seems right to a man,” says the sacred Proverb, “but in the end it leads to death.”

The Bible describes sex as an interchange of two souls within the boundaries of a marriage between a man and a woman. It is meant to be a physical expression (and not the only expression) of our human longing and experience for love. And this particular expression is a fire that must be lit only when one is mature enough to be committed to handle the fire that it is: you do not walk from a fire as it can burn things down.

So, the larger thing is the Marriage. And that is the real Wow.

For those who fight for their right to marry whoever they love and want to commit to; their frame of reference is self, love and sex. The marriage arrangement is plagiarized in order to become mainstream.(and if we out ourselves in the shoes of those who have been the target of venom and deep prejudice, we would empathise). But it goes to show that --

Marriage is the real wow.  Whether arranged by elders or the outcome of a pursue-response of two who felt drawn to each other... or even the political outcomes of a lobby for reasons ideological and economic, marriage remains for many a state to be much desired.  So whether you entered it to become like the others, to escape, to grow up, to move on.... All married people soon hit a fog almost impenetrable. It is so much more and way too little at the same time. Yes it has taken us millennial to uncover this and we may never fully figure it out - because even Paul, enlightened by the Spirit only manages to say this much: it's a mystery folks.

We had paternalistic models that we balk at today. Thankfully many societies have moved beyond that and Jesus' treatment of women was most instructive and catalytic towards this huge sea change. Yes there are many marriages that do not shine or even survive. Yes, you and I may not have an easy go at it for many reasons including the intrinsic difference between the genders which can make union challenging.

But that the realities are broken shards does not mean the actual Vase did not exist before. It just means someone broke the Vase. And since we no longer have that pristine Vase, frankly, we're all a bit lost! But the answer is not to each grab a shard and cut ourselves till we bleed for our sense of mastery of the mystery. No, we take the shard we have and we imagine the Vase while we appreciate the shard!

This imagination is what we need.

a surprising rainbow and its glow on a dark evening - the whole rainhow is in your mind

What would happen if we could recover Love and Marriage for the grand vision that we glimpse from revelation? 

"What if we  shifted our emphasis toward THE MARRIAGE to which all other marriages are but a shadow—the mystical union between Jesus and his bride, the Church, which is inclusive of believing husbands and wives, as well as widows and widowers, divorcees, and other unmarried men and women? According to sacred Scripture, no matter what one’s marital status or sexual orientation, the first moment of trust in Jesus makes that person as married and complete as s/he will ever be. From our first moment of faith, Jesus is our Bridegroom and we are his Bride." (Scott Saul)

What if we thought and started to feel along these lines? Those of us married, longing to, unable to, not yet ready to... 

We would cultivate our hearts and coach our lives towards the purity, passion and purpose that Christ deserves.

The longings of our hearts and the yearning of our souls which are satisfied when we commune and unite with God is what this marriage picture is about. it is about lives reconciled and at peace with God. It is about hearts on fire with passion for God. It is about time, talent and tools all directed for the purposes of God. This is what lovers feel - the desire to join, and this is what the sex act does.

At the heart of all of life is our need to return to God, to be united with Him. We did not just go through a status change, much less a change in our habits or lifestyles alone. We underwent an essential change of DNA. The Western church with its rationalistic mindset is not so familiar with this way of seeing or saying things. But Paul talks about it from various ways:

But he who is joined to the LORD is one spirit with Him ~ 1 Corinthians 6v17 (NKJV)

...put on the new nature, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of is Creator ~ Colossians 3v10 (RSV)

The new DNA opens up our original need and longing for God. Some of us feel it more keenly in nature and beauty. Walking among the trees and feeling the wind gently on our cheeks awaken something in us and we come alive. Some of us gravitate towards ideals and strong causes and are energized as we pursue just actions. Others of us enjoy quietly making notes and marking our trails....behind it all is Love's creation of us and drawing us to His naturally inclusive, embracing reality. Our desire for love is a response to the call of Love. And it does not take marriage (and sex) to respond.

You are loved my friend. 

the post by Scott Saul
readings on faith and sexuality within the larger context of Friendship

a parable: The Vase {Feb Love series}

A long time ago, there lived a people who had a strange custom. Here is how the custom went. When one came of age to marry - which got later and later over the years - one would receive a trust. The trust was an object of value which had to be cared for according to set conditions. After a period of time, deemed adequate by the Board, the carer may return the trust - in original or improved condition - to the Board. An extremely generous amount of money was then given that allowed the carer to literally live the rest of life without a care. Needless to say, every one coming of age was nervous and anxious about the trust they would receive.

Acreft fidgeted in his seat and looked furtively around the huge expanse of the waiting room. It was his turn to receive his trust - today. He thought long and hard about the possibilities. His mind constantly wandered to thoughts of how he would prefer something light and handy which hopefully, was also made of a hardy material. He was a travel writer and he needed the mobility. 'Surely they will take that into consideration', he thought to himself, half muttering the words out loud. Then he thought of how wonderful it would be if the trust was something that really blended in with his taste: like a limited edition Watermark pen perhaps. He caught himself gushing silently in lust, and promptly arrested his thoughts.

Finally, they summoned Acreft into the Board room. As he walked respectfully in, he chided himself for being foolish enough to live on here and thus be subject to this strenuous tradition when in his travels, he had found many perfectly wonderful options to make his abode.

The Board was expressionless. Seated in the middle of the large mahogany table was a mosaic-and-jeweled vase. Acreft thought that was helpful since he dreaded looking at the Board. Without words, the Board pushed a bright white sheet of paper across the table.  On it were written these words:

conditions: proper care and constant companionship. No loss of jewels.

Trust: venetian vase, 1624.

Return value: highest

Acreft almost fell out of his chair. 'What? This  is ridiculous! Look at that thing! I might as well just quit my job and buy a thousand feather dusters...'. Protestation after protestation ran through Acreft's mind; but the Board simply got up and left the room. Practically tearing, Acreft finally got up and reached for the vase. It was a relief that it did not weigh as much as it looked.

'Proper care and constant companionship', 'proper care and constant companionship'...became Acreft's mantra. He said it to himself so many times he lost count. Suddenly it struck him that he did not know how to care for a vase.

Robing the precious trust with his outer coat, Acreft made a beeline for the town library.  On the train ride to the library, Acreft felt watched, he was sure that the other passengers were casting knowing glances his way. He hugged the vase tightly and tried to look out the window, which was hard as he had an aisle seat. 

Armed with his research on proper vase care, Acreft felt that he would proceed with plans to visit an old historic tavern for his next assignment. This time round, he felt the trust would adequately repay his bill for a private compartment on the train. Acreft deftly seated the vase, padded it snugly, and secured it against sudden train jolts. The journey was uneventful and Acreft congratulated himself for being so trustworthy. He found a suitably appointed inn and rested for the night.

The tavern was empty when he went in, but soon an old, bent figure emerged from a dark corner. Acreft, who by now has designed a custom carrier for the Vase, thrust out his free hand to introduce himself. A welcome for his visit meant increased revenue for the businesses. The old man eyed Acreft, noting his very large carrier, and immediately shifted his weight so that he was now looking at Acreft in a rather unfriendly manner. Acreft tactically seated himself on a bar stool, the upholstery half torn, balancing his vase between himself and the counter. The old man walked languidly round

and once behind the counter, seemed more at ease. Still, it was not many drinks later, including a lengthy, unwelcome explanation about the Vase (of course!) which drew ridicule and laughter, that the bar owner was amiable enough to be interviewed. 

Finally, satisfied that he had enough material, Acreft left - exhausted and a little tipsy (he had no idea the local ale was that strong). Waiting for his ride home, Acreft noticed he is really tiring of the Vase. began to deeply resent the vase. He was horrified by the suggestions he entertained. Then he began wondering what other folks received as trust. As the images flashed before him, his yearning for them increased: he let his mind wander.

The small bench had space only for sitting - there were two old ladies already on it - so Acreft placed the vase on the ground. In fact, eager to shake off the cloud of frustration now enfolding him, he gladly listened to the slow repartee between the old ladies. It was rather amusing and provided relief as they complained endlessly about the restaurant they have just come from. That was stuff Acreft tuned in to easily; and he started writing a lazy script about the restaurant. 'Maybe a satire about the whole eating business', he mused to himself.

Trains began to pull into the station. They would stop for a good while before the station managers would hang up the destination signs on the trains. 'Where is my train?', Acreft eyed the tracks. The old ladies got up and walked off, obviously with pain of arthritis. Acreft saw his train and energetically pushed himself off taking large strides; as if to distinguish himself from the unsteady gait of the old ladies. He bounded up the train and found his compartment as the train began to pull off. When he finally turned to fasten his vase, he realised he had left it behind. Panic swelled and Acreft rushed out of the compartment, yelling at the top of his lungs, "Stop this train! Stop this train!".  Suddenly, something fell out - apparently from his own jacket pocket! He had not seen this before, this envelope. Acreft grabbed it and ran on through the corridor to get the help he needed. Finally he found the train conductor who assured him that the old town they left could be contacted and the object kept for him. He was to get off at the next station and take the next train back.

With no further options, Acreft returned to his seat. The envelope was still in his hand. He tore it and was surprised to find a letter from the Board. It had an unexpectedly friendly tone:

"Are you enjoying your trust? It has bits of jewelry that shine like little mirrors. These will shine light into your soul; so taking care of it is taking care of your own soul."

Your turn: How do you think this note will change how Acreft feels about the Vase?

{do share in the comments below}

There's always music with that flutter. {Feb Love series}

Today, I share some beautiful music I found ~

Just click on here:

Lovely Music

(the 4th tune is a bit edgy so you may want to skip it)

As the music surrounds you, remember LOVE is real, powerful, and beckons. It is also described by two crazed lovers in Holy Writ like this -

love is strong as death,
jealousy is fierce as the grave.
its flashes are flashes of fire,
the very flame of the LORD
~ Song of songs 8v6

(new american standard version)

- this was my wedding text but I never heard it preached as the speaker used another text ! -

But I tell you what. 

I have glimpsed, tasted, been scorched by Love's strength. The way God refuses to let go, the way He sticks around, holds me steady, chastises and reminds me I am first and foremost His. His beloved. His. Through His gift of Jesus, I have become one of His children; and I am destined to love like He does.

His Love flashes like fire, it does, to burn up my hazy commitment, my sloppy, silly and even stupid moments of infidelity.

Love is

strong

fierce

fire

Yes. He Does. Every Day. Even Now.

(even the guys!)

God wants to restore us to who He sees us.

Yes. This.

( I find it hard to stomach this too)

and now, for some quieter music to let
Love
come close
Agnus Dei

The Love series begins in a few days.

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