10 Nov 2015

You are the best parents for your child(ren): the power of planning

Plan for peace.
Plan for growth.



I would never have believed you thirty years ago. To my plan-to-the-tee husband, I am about the most spontaneous person there is. (let me guess, you are married to an opposite too?) But I have come to see the power of planning.

You are the best parents for your child(ren) - plan for it to happen!

Married to a planner, I certainly had to learn to plan - in terms of telling him way ahead of time - what is coming around the corner; what I hoped to involve the whole family in (read: need his participation), and what outcomes I am working towards.I was chafing at it quite a bit; then I realised this: from day one that Parenting involved Planning.
When did I last feed the baby and from which side?
 She is going to outgrow her clothes!
 Which formula to wean her to?
 When are his exams.... so soon?!

But plans exist because they serve a greater purpose. 


We plan because it gets us somewhere! So the big Q is not whether you have a plan; but whether your plan will get you where you want to go?

Do you want a family that loves being together?
One that serves the community?
One where each person's potential is championed and supported?
A family where conversations are heartfelt?

Now consider the actual plans and priorities we have. Are we doing what helps us arrive at our vision, or sabotaging what we hope?


I still remember being asked when I chose to stay at home as a mother, "how can you give up the care of hundreds for one?". Yes, the Math did not seem to add up. But it was clear as a haze-less daylight to me. The hundreds can find another pastor; the child I bought into the world is my first direct responsibility. I will learn and I will enjoy this. That was the starting vision for me.


Along the way, I prayed and thought often about the vision of family and home life. With the vision, I put in place plans. The plans include:

 Good Health

 Spiritual Vitality

Diligence

Wonder at life


The plans always required me to seek these things in my own life and be a model for it. After all, more things are caught than taught.

I may have a helper to get certain things done; but holding forth a vision and living it out first, simply cannot be delegated. Grandparents, church and helpers cannot be expected to develop attitudes, habits and spiritual postures in children. It is the task of the parents to do so.


 Living cannot be delegated.




To have children who are interested in life, secure, who develop empathy -- I needed to be all these myself first. Plan . to . grow .


The pace of life in a city like ours can keep us panting. I know some full-time stay-home mothers who basically plan car routes, meals, tuition and recreation. They are ferrying their children from one thing to the next. Well, there are plans, and there are plans.


A plan is basically a roadmap to get from here to there. It considers the outcome, the resources, the possible hiccups.

In order to go away on a personal retreat to recharge myself, I needed to plan for caregivers, emergency phone numbers, even to plan a time to prepare the children (and their father) besides the aspects related to the retreat itself: booking a spot and preparing my heart.



But it is easy to be so caught up with the daily demands that we hit 'cruise'.

I drove a car once on a highway in the United States and tried the 'cruise' button'. The car basically drives itself! You just needed to hang on to the steering. My cruise mode lasted no more than ten minutes. It felt honestly scary. I wasn't sure if my reflexes would be good enough for me to change mode when something called for it. Crusising was relaxing and it was easy to become less alert I felt. Also, cruising happened at a minimum of  50km/hr speed and it kept at that speed. This meant that I could not slow down at will to take note of any thing I saw along the way. Everything would be given the same length of attention. Things would get monotonous and become same-same -- lowering alertness and increasing the risk of accidents.

Life can run on cruise mode too! Just the same basic motions everyday: wake self, wake kids, pack them off to school, start working/worrying, chores, the homework drills, more chores, maybe a little TV, crash into bed. It can end up feeling like a never-ending highway of things to get done. {for some parents with children who need special attention; this situation is very real and much more tiring}.

To avoid a 'cruise' situation, set aside time to plan.

I'll be cheeky and say this: all of us basically have a 'plan' to get through each day: grit and grin it.

Ok, seriously, here's how I do it. Remember I am not Mdm Systematic.

1. the daily just-in-case I forget something
I have important dates, details and datelines written on a whiteboard for everyone to see. There is even a message section for me to leave 'reminder' or 'cheers' depending on my emotional state! The schools hand out so many letters I found sticking them on the fridge felt so cluttered; instead reading it through and writing out the important bits helped us focus.




2. the weekly check-it-twice
Yes, don't we just love how the school and tutors have to shift things around {and we are talking pre-haze days}. CCA is particularly notorious at the Secondary level and of course, all the project work. The kids used to like to download the information and hoped I was listening. Nope. I was blogging dearie. We both got frustrated. So I learned to really listen, to write it in the calendar or phone or whiteboard (very useful). Slowly, I taught them to plan their week, to anticipate changes, and NOT to assume our schedules are wrap around theirs! "If I don't hear from you early enough, you take public transport, or go without that necessary tee-shirt or extra pocket money...". With both ends learning to plan, things are far better these days.

The weekly plan is not just for activity. Like I say, plans exist to support a vision. So there are already priority items on the plan: personal time with God, family devotion, church, caring for grandparents, and so on. I also include our meals as part of this weekly plan. The menu and shopping cart has some items that are served each week so as to ensure that we have a healthy diet.


3. the monthly pray-it-over-again
Humans are not static and neither are our relationships. We are habitual it's true and it can appear hopelessly beyond change. But kids - their habits can be shaped. Each month (it turns out more or less to be so as I will worry about them regularly: are they faith-filled, sutdying hard, up to mischief, hanging out with wrong peeps, onto porn {gasp}..maybe it's PMS-related), yes, more or less monthly I set aside some time to plan their growth.

Any thing to address? Any concern to dig around? Any issue blocking our relationship? This is the time I pray for insight into each child, and then make some specific plans to talk to them / take them out. A lot of it is not to 'fix' them; but just to share their interests and support their growth. I find so much peace here when I am able to release my fears to God. I also get all excited about being able to spend intentional time which will become a precious memory if not a wonderful time to align and form stronger habits.
My journal has sections specially with each child's name on it. It's cool to parent together with God!

Parenting is hard work. But it is meaningful, beautiful work. And anything worth doing calls for effort and sacrifice. 

A plan makes the art come to pass.


What art are you making as you parent?
What plans do you have?



5 Nov 2015

You are the best parents for your child(ren): how to love to bits and build character

Very often, we see building character and loving our children as being at odds. Character building somehow has this boot camp dimension to it. 'Toughen them up' is the mantra; especially for fathers {pl read this guys!}. 

Ok let's unpack this and get it clear in our hearts and heads.

The foundation for all character formation is RELATIONSHIP. This simply means that the quality of our relationship with our children determines everything else. And the nature of the relationship between a parent and child? L-O-V-E of course.

It would seem a no-brainer. Of course we love our children to bits! {then why don't they appreciate it and behave better?}


Ah, but I found that there are two things that get in the way of our love and, in the end, it gets in the way of their character formation too.


Number 1: when the child doesn't feel it.

One of the first and most helpful parenting books I read is titled How To Really Love Your Child ! That set me thinking...what does love feel and look like to a child? What does it look like to a certain personality, through certain seasons, and in specific situations?

And the answer isn't difficult - if - we take the time to see and feel from their perspective. How does a young child or a teen feel? Not that differently from you!

Like you and I, they want to be noticed, to be cheered on, to feel safe to share their struggles and not be judged, to be supported, to have someone say, "I understand"...

But as life is really choices x time; we need to really ask if we make the time and what choices we make with those times.This video which many mothers took offense at was rather poignant: do you really know your child? {click to watch video}

My son was a near perfect baby. He was easy to care for, coos sweetly to himself and soaks up the wonder of the world. He never cries when he awakes; he babbles. He was enthu about everything (okay, except eating. I did say he was near-perfect!). But as he grew, things began to surface. He was much more afraid of new challenges that his sister ever was. He wasn't going to just leap into your arms, be placed on a swing, or attempt to read. He resisted being tested and hated being taunted. He was sensitive to a fault about how others talked to him and handled his things. Naturally, it made for many socially uncomfortable, and even painful experiences. Add to that, he was hyperactive. Teachers were unhappy. Friends got upset. Even church wasn't a positive experience.
I could not love my son the way I loved my daughter. He would feel abject neglect and be a mess. He needed more, and different. He needed me to spend time almost everyday making sense of the world that he felt was cramming him; a world that was hard to survive in and navigate. To be honest, the journey was very painful at times. I had to absorb alot of misunderstanding. I had to let go of my expectations. I had to forgive him, myself and others because when a child cannot walk the straight line, he stumbles and steps on toes; and that's always painful.

Love for my son meant heartfelt listening, prayer, reading up on his personality and profile, a lot of perseverance to help him keep going, not give up, overcome hurdles... It is easy for a child like him to grow with anger, resentment and fear. 

I cannot be grateful enough for my choice to care deeply for my children. Our home life has a sweetness and together-ness that is so precious.

And recently, I read about 5 keys to helping children build character*.

The first key:
children need to feel genuinely cared for.

Bingo!


The triumph of character formation comes when I see him get back in and tries again. He told us that this term in school is his best ever because he has 'converted his enemies to become his friends'. Recently over dinner when I asked what I could pray for them, he said easily that he needed to be able to keep forgiving those who hurt him.


It's not easy to find that line between acknowledging his hurt is real and helping him toughen up and there are days I mess up! But I get back into the ring and fight my fears and grow my muscles. He is going to have to flex his own muscles soon; but it would not happen if he did not feel mine when he needed them most.

Where are you being the strength for your child?
How do you give them hope?
Does your child feel really cared for?


Number 2: when we cruise
The second thing that sabotages our love is our tendency to take things for granted. 

We all take things for granted. Every holiday, festivity, memorial we chant the same thing: "it's so easy to take each other for granted". I have said it. I am sure you have to. Sometimes with a deep tinge of loss even.

At work, it is certainly easy to feel taken for granted. Often everyone wants the credit but won't really share the hardwork! You can do good, sincere work that goes unnoticed and unrewarded. Then alas, we can come home and as parents, we can sure feel like we are being taken for granted! 

More than once, I had to re-teach my children the difference between request and demand! Familiar I am sure:
child: I want chicken rice for dinner
me: say, please may I have chicken rice for dinner.

And of course with a mighty teen, a convivial conversation can turn a sudden corner into a power tussle!

It's a hard calling this parenting thing. We have to dig deep to hit the Spring that never runs dry, because we have to keep showing up and loving while we may be feeling like it's all draining away and we are bone-weary, dry and brittle ourselves. 

Downtime is so important.

But, sometimes, we let go of the wheel and cruise.

School, meals, activities...can all become so routinized. Add to that the manic presence of the little gadget that immediately diverts you away from where you are and who you are with to friends and strangers whose images and ideas are so much more appealing... Yes, attention, care, warmth and understanding quotient nose dives easily rapidly! {if you need some help putting that device away, perhaps watch this: pay attention la .


So if we want to build character in our children, we need to watch for how we lapse into cruise; because it invalidates our love for them. We need to care for them in a way which they feel and experience as meaningful.


Here are all the 5 aspects of character development:

  1. Express Care: Show that you like me and want the best for me.
  2. Challenge Growth: Insist that I try to continuously improve.
  3. Provide Support: Help me complete tasks and achieve goals.
  4. Share Power: Hear my voice and let me share in making decisions.
  5. Expand Possibility: Expand my horizons and connect me to opportunities.
Which of these speak to you?

* from The Search Institute's Newest Study of Developmental Relationships compiled in the book, Don't Forget the Families: The Missing Piece in America's Effort to Help All Children Succeed (Kent Pekel, Ed.D., Eugene C. Roehlkepartain, Ph.D., Amy K. Syvertsen, Ph.D., and Peter C. Scales, Ph.D.) says there are 5 keys to building character in children.

1 Nov 2015

You are the best parents for your child(ren): 3 anchors for your kids' bright future

Go on and ask me. Yes, the Q:

how much is enough?

This question comes at us especially when we feel the harsh winds that augur breakage. Did I do 
teach
discipline
care
pray
enough?


Until bottle feeding became vogue so that we could mark of how many mililitres the little one drank; the babe just sucked, we felt lighter..and then it was enough, most of the time!

We have invented so many ways of measuring ourselves: weight and height charts, growth goals, nutritional intake charts, and of course the all-important school grades. It's little wonder we ask ourselves this Q. 

Just that it's really hard to actually measure many things in life; especially those that matter.

Did we love enough? Some days it just doesn't feel like we did - and it's often those days we've worked to our bone already! Or maybe we tried what worked before; but it doesn't work this round.

So to be honest, I don't know when any of it is enough. 


But perhaps that's the wrong question after all. 

We may be better off starting off with a vision of what life is all about and preparing our children for it. For those of us who live and love with a view of eternity, here are 3 things to anchor on: 

1. soak them in Scripture

Religion is boring. Truth is not. The Bible is truthful about the human condition. The Bible brings forth Truth by recording for us who God is and what the world is about. The Bible can surface truth in our hearts as we let it wash over us.

One of the most astounding things for me to this day is how both my children are drawn to God because of the pictures, stories, wonder, awe, and reality they encounter in Scripture. I felt I rarely needed to explain or defend God to them. He is there within the pages. My son said spontaneously when he was three that he really wanted to meet Jesus!

A side benefit: mothering in the earliest days was a lot of daily humdrum. Singing the songs of faith - fun, quirky, contemplative - were life-savers for me. The beat helped keep my feet moving and the music drew child and mother into a larger circle.


2. show them how you get through the hard stuff

We all want to feel secure. Yet life can throw so many surprises at us. Job losses, friends turning away, romance all but fizzled out, repeated disappointments... Children get their share of disappointment too. The sudden rain. The haze. The toy that cannot be shared / bought... We need to live through these things without becoming a cynic or a crusty old soul.

In your choices, your prayers, your countenance (yes, smile still), children find hope and build resilience as they watch us breathe deep and walk on.


3. seek big dreams {and don't conclude too soon}

Perhaps 1 in a million kids really have a clue what they want to be and do. They may change their minds still.

One of the things we regularly forget is how wonderful ordinary is. There's nothing 'ordinary' - not as Mother Teresa reminds us, when we do little things with great love!

"The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love." ~ Galatians 5v6

Faith is believing in something you don't quite yet see. {Wait, don't get carried away with your unfulfilled dreams and beware trying to live your life over again through your children!}. It is really hard to imagine how our children will finally turn out. I have certainly met enough parents who have sighed a huge relief that after tempestuous years; the children emerged right side up after all!

The object of our faith then cannot be the future we dream up. It is faith in Someone, rather than something. Faith that Someone cares deeply and walks daily with you through the loops and twists.

And here's a warning: don't get all besotted with the spectacular. It is so easy these days when children can sing, dance, cook, and who knows what next!  I am truly amazed at the capabilities of these children. But I take care not to let my children seem less because of the glare from these shining, stunning ones.

Also, it's important to distinguish between what is spectacular and what is truly useful. I borrow these wise words from Eric Massanari:

Our excitable minds are easily drawn to all that appears exciting, attractive, innovative, and extraordinary. What’s more, the mind has an amazing, natural capacity for categorization and evaluation; we are quick to judge our experiences and encounters as pleasing or displeasing, welcome or unwelcome, holy or unholy. Given these tendencies we can be found grumbling our way through the mundane, anxiously suffering through the pain, and chasing after transient moments of pleasure. An entire consumer culture has been built around our preferences, trying to sell us all manner of things and experiences to amplify the pleasure, avoid the boredom, and anesthetize the pain.
{ The stories of scripture are full of women and men who are learning how to perceive the presence of God in the midst of their daily rounds and the shadowed valleys of their lives }
This isn’t just a modern phenomenon, of course; it is an old human story, as the biblical scriptures attest. The stories of scripture are full of women and men who are learning how to perceive the presence of God not only in moments of spiritual clarity and joy, but also in the midst of their daily rounds and the shadowed valleys of their lives.More than one character in the Bible echoes the words of Jacob who, surprised by God in the middle of a particularly barren moment, says: “Surely the Lord is in this place—and I did not know it!” (Genesis 28:16).


With faith-eyes, we seek to focus in on the daily Holy; but just in case we get all uptight {and some of our personalities are pretty strong on right/wrong spectrum} the verse says that faith needs to express itself in a loving way.

So guide your children lovingly to the One who knows and loves them without end. Help them discover dreams that are useful, work that adds value, creative endeavours that bring positive change.

Of course, along the way, you will be racked with many moments of doubt.... I always thought my daughter will make a great lawyer; or perhaps not....Not going to Law school after all? It's not the end of the world! It's not even the end of the story of her life. In fact, setbacks, obstacles and detours are part of what shape and define us.

Hold out those dreams that they will live large and love deep. Don't let who they are now fool 
you. Dream big and don't conclude too soon.


See God, real, present and at work. Help them take another step in the right direction.



Our destiny is found in our footsteps.
The imprint we leave is traced by  the footprints we make.

And the hope for our wrecked world? This -




credit: many thanks to Leunig!