Birthday (B)log!

 A strenuous dream stirred me awake..in the wee hours of 31st December. Thankfully, I was tired enough to fall back asleep. I next opened my eyes to a brightened room and my mind began to fill fast with thoughts of things undone, tasks to do, and ideas loving to consider. But soon, a sense of weariness crept in. ‘Happy birth-day’ should be about my being, not my do-ing!

Forty-six years ago, Love ushered me into this world...why?

For years it has been my habit to spend some part of my birthday looking back to trace Grace-prints, mark the pits and my folly that helped me stumble into them...and then to listen for the Wind's blowing for the new year.

I was sick last year after a busy Christmas season, and trundled clumsily into January...feeling totally awful and unprepared for 2012. But I felt a relief ...a reminding; that even my good habits must not overtake God and His Grace. I sensed the Wind late; it wasn't until January 14th that my new journal was ready. Epiphany.

After settling the kids’ breakfast, I sat to write in my journal. A plain recording of the moments up to that point...I had no appetite for breakfast, ideas or plans..so I wrote the last line: "today I shall drift". I  texted a few girlfriends. One of them replied, " sounds like a good 'plan'!".

Well, even drifting was challenging since I had to co-ordinate with hubby about kids...some one as always lays a way. How does one negotiate drifting?

The time came for me to hop on the train into town. Two of my older sisters are meeting me for tea. We went to a small shop filled with ornamental angels, chests, and posters, and clusters of chairs around tables. We sit in a corner and begin to examine the menu. I love trying stuff, but we settle for two pre-designed tea sets of bruschetta, cakes and scones.

 Being intentional and pastoral, I often ponder about our conversations. But today my mind gets to rest- I am drifting! The conversation was true and fast...hearts were bared through long diatribes about stubborn daughters and 'individuating' sons. Life is. Sisters are special- we can keep up the talking since most of the drama of our lives revolve around people we all know. My sisters agree at the end it maybe a good idea to invite my nieces and nephew to a new series on Love. The sister with the persistent cough may go off chicken on my suggestion...stuff of life.

The kids were excited dad got the Two Towers (I keep calling the them the Twin Towers) DVD. I slipped out to share some cake with a neighbor then came back to finish the movie and settle them for bed - a whole  hour later than I had instructed! My plan to be at a Watchnight service weakened. I showered and put on my flannel pjs, the rain has been falling lightly most of the night so it is now very cool for the tropics....

And I hope to drift off to sleep soon....

Every day is in itself un-repeatable; filled with details oft unplanned and perhaps even unwanted. Life has always been about this paradoxical tension of and/or: you plan, you also cannot plan. But on my birthday, planning was really low – which is a rest when you live in a busy city filled with expectations, longings and fears.

You know...Almost, Nearly, Always!

With the New Year coming, I’d like to introduce you to three familiar friends. This is because they have a knack for taking the ‘new’out of any year. Meet them and find out for yourelf! They will tell you about themselves:

My name is Almost. I have two buddies, Nearly and Always. We are pretty different; but as with all friends, we found a way to hang out, laugh, and not take each other too seriously. In fact, I think we look pretty good as a lot: Almost Nearly Always. I told you.

Well, those two can wait. First, let me tell you about myself.

I have great ideas-

-Better distribution of resources to end world poverty

-Roundtable talks to negotiate water resources so that nobody dies of thirst

-Cross-fertilisation of think tanks to deal with those intractable issues like democratizing nations, Aids, and mother-in-laws. Yes, I am also funny.

Ah…and in case you think I live in the higher realms, I also cover more pedestrian concerns like

-Losing weight

-Proper exercise

-Wardrobe makeovers

-Tidying my room (really)

And I come really close to actually doing something about these stuff I think about and talk about. In fact, my sterling quality is precisely this: everyone holds me in pretty high regard because I am so close to what everyone is trying to deal with. My admirers range from the neighbourhood coffeshop assistant to that smart professor of Philosophy who sometimes I see running in the park! I don’t exchange mere pleasantries when I meet folks: we talk for quite a bit. I always nod knowingly and with the sincerest empathy for whatever whoever is going through; and I am proud to say some of me rubs off on them afterward.

O, here comes Nearly.

This is a real chum. In fact, when I am with him, we seem to have a doubly effective effect! Just a few weeks ago, we spoke with young and old and everyone single one of them benefitted from the clarifying chat. I still remember some of what we talked about:

Bringing a gift for a friend’s birthday

Calling up her mother (she has not spoken to her in years)

Trying out a new way of talking to the kids

Changing job

Buying a new brand of (o dear I forgot what this one was about… My name is Almost remember?)

It is amazing how relieved people feel when they just know that these things at least crossed their minds.

Always is strongest of the three of us. She has this knack of sneaking up on conversations – whether the person is talking to himself or to others – and simply stabilizing everything. No change, no shift, no move. Nada. That is power I say. Just keeps everything the way it is! Just consider how she slips in and maintains the status quo:

I am always so slow/worried/blur (works with any adjective – amazing right?)

He’s always so selfish

It always rains when we have plans

See? She’s amazing!

Well, the Mayans were wrong. Or should we say right: after all, from the looks of things, we are almost, nearly about to end in a big bang (the way we began presumably)! Always.

a truly merry Christmas

There's lots of help going around this busy season: where to eat, what to buy, where to get the best and cheapest!

Here's something on how to have a truly merry Christmas - from moi!

First, it's important to be merry. Perhaps you are not given to episodes of melancholy like I am, but I am sure life gets busy, difficult and tiring enough that being merry just seem so....naive!

Well, when the angels lit up the night sky with the out-of-this-world proclamation; they cried out "Peace on earth! GoodWill to men!" These words have always intrigued me. We simply see and feel and share too little of this. The angels are telling us something deep, permanent and essential has changed! God Himself is not to immersed in human history that all of humankind cannot help but be able to taste peace and share goodwill. If we ponder this long enough... we cannot help but chuckle in surprise, do a little gig and scream 'Merry Christmas!'. 

Here is Merry.


mer·ry  [mer-ee] 
adjective, mer·ri·er, mer·ri·est.
1.
full of cheerfulness or gaiety; joyous in disposition or spirit: a merry little man.
2.
laughingly happy; mirthful; festively joyous; hilarious: a merry time at the party.
3.
Archaic. causing happiness; pleasant; delightful

Now for getting truly merry.

#1 remember the point of it all
If God has come and the great Promise had been kept - that our world can be saved; do not fret about that party, present or person already!

#2 spread a little merry
think of someone, no matter how distant from your orbit (okay, pray God shows you someone) - and consider how this person experiences happiness and do something to bring a smile (or a tear).

#3 join the merry
you probably aren't glum as a person; but very few of us know how to really look up and live. look around for something that will really lift your spirit and be there! (thanking God you can)

Have a really Merry Christmas friends!

Post-vacation thoughts... Rest is what we need!

It happened.
The way thoughts and concerns about work: back-log, people to call, the ever growing do-list, the bits you suddenly realise you forgot...creep into the last few days of vacation. I was already carrying a sermon burden, but some moments, my entire calendar and to-do list appeared in my mind like a drop-down menu !
I sighed.

It happened.
I came home and it was meeting the next day which led to another meeting..several emails requiring attention and that to-do list which now looks oddly inadequate. With my lapses in memory, i scramble to recall if i had already planned for that meeting and this appointment... My soul beat a quick retreat and I longed for a whole new world!

Did you ever want a permanent get-away, a forever holiday? I surprised myself; I who laud embrace-the-present and live out loud. Of course, at any time, our lives are never completely how we want them. Lack, loss or loneliness is part of the human experience; and moving to Colorado will only bring another set of angst.

The vacation was great. A different rhythm, spending time with warm, loved people. But what I need, as always is rest. Rest in Love that alone can reassure, tune me sound and send me forth. And you know what? this Rest comes easily really. My worn chair, a quietened heart, a journal and Bible plus a good book or two.

Get some rest my friend before you launch into 2013!

Foreign Corresponding...

Hey!
I am writing off a "20-minute access" computer at the town library in Fort Collins called the Purdue River Public Library!

Book and library lovers travel anywhere and still end up in these nests of comfort: Firestone rare books, Barnes and Noble, and yes, town libraries - why not?

So here's a piece about a local library in a foreign land:

1. It's a huge place with three floors. I easily spot "children's" to make a direct beeline for with two restless, sugar-filled boys in tow. More than a corner, it has several interactive panels which i am tempted to fiddle with myself but for the shelves of books everywhere! The rambunctious boys play war-and-no-peace among the panels, I interrupting when the noise level gets unacceptable...but so far, no one has thrown a disapproving frown  across my path.

2. Shelf-labeling is interesting: they have 'staff picks', 'seasonal' (it's nearly Thanksgiving), and shelves called 'Hot and Cold', 'Think Big', 'All in the family' and..the more common, 'Mystery'. I am amused and attracted --but know from experience Asians will have little patience for such obtuse labels!

3. So many PCs to use! They have a twenty minutes limit for most sets and I went eureka! I set the boys down to one and so here i am at another PC! [ i must mention a young male librarian worked very hard to get the sound out onto to headsets so the boys can tune in to www.pbskids.com and watch/play Curious George! Nice.

4. Music in the library - live! i got to go: Dana and Susan are about to perform with banjo, harmonica and guitar a suite they called 'Journey across America' - what a panaromic treat!

Not in a hurry to return to my Bishan library at this point. Grins.

[posted after i return as my twenty minute ran out and the music started so.. ;) ]

If i could be a travel-holic!

That's what i'd like to be.
- and just maybe, some day i shall be!

It's always been there. Since i first discovered there was a larger world beyond the many floors of my block of flats, beyond the long straight road daily filled with bicyles, lorries and more..when with each TV show and documentary, the world: distant lands, strange faces and deep seas beckon to me.

There is so much! This probably struck me deeply as I grew up with so little. Hardly any toys, two good dresses, and many days a semi-filled stomach. It was not lack but wonder - a drawing. I did not want to strike it rich to travel and taste and see; it was just the latter, and I am ok with how it came my way.

My first ever trip outside of Singapore was to visit the mountainous drug-producing region called the Golden Triangle in North Thailand. I had worked several months teaching tuition to small kids and raised enough for the journey. My first flight! My first real sense that I was going to die in a foreign land too...and at age seventeen, it seemed more adventure than dread (and this because I wanted a more heroic departure).



In ten days' time, with my husband and children, we are visiting the vast, fascinating and very influential nation  called North America. Even as I write, my son is watching an American movie, I am staring at a Dell computer screen and then blogger and Google will collaborate to allow me to share this... I have so many feelings about this nation. I would prefer to slow jaunt through a small corner of it, sucking on the marrow and dancing to the soul-beat. But we have twenty-some days and two states and many miles to cover. I am sensing the destination is the journey and the experiences divinely appointed and mistake-empowered will shape and define this trip.

But just so, we must fight off  many well meaning suggestions, the easier routes and even the differing preferences of the troop! It is a trip for four, not just me, but I would hate for it to look in the end like a compromise where no one feels fully satisfied.

I talk to the troop about learning to enjoy each other's interests, sharing joys and sacrifice. I excite our hearts by linking our expectations and wishes to Goodness' gifts and reminding, first myself, that the trip is ours to figure -in response to kindness and Providence.

Bon Voyage to us!

[i am taking a blogging break at this time too. see you before 2012 folds!]

Pilot me Saviour!

a song discovered - enjoy! very much very much my prayer: the seas within my bosom rise tumultous and steals the quiet evenlight... 

but thankfully, i can cry, Pilot me! Saviour!

PSLE blues and nerves ...

It’s all my fault. Today is already day 2 of PSLE and I am shocked at my nerves. 

As I ruminated on it, i feel that a major reason is this: I have failed to grasp the incredibly complex educational roadmap here :-

*That your child should aspire to Higher Mother Tongue because it gives her points which add to her T-score (the bottomline score when it comes to determining the next phase of your child’s educational experience)

* That she should have joined a co-curricular activity that boasts of national-level excellence which in some way proves she has the mettle for tougher regimes ahead; and perhaps a Direct Secondary School Admission.

* that she should have taken every one of those enrichment opportunities from scrabble to ballet to the hilt to prove that she is among the elite; once again standing her in good stead for an esteemed secondary schooling experience such as Integrated Program.

Alas, I just am not the grand tactician who can grasp this scheme of things but plan my moves and arrange my resources so. So I had taken the clueless path of making decisions one step at a time. She’s too tired, choose another co-curricular activity.  Go easy on the purse and the pressure, so let’s not have too much tuition. Top class or mid-of-the-range? The latter please.

But now I’m a bundle of nerves! It’s clear as light to me what my daughter is capable of, but I just have to hope that this one exam which everything hinges on goes predictably smoothly. At the back of my mind, a tiny voice kept saying I did not push her to reach her best; and the more I browse the secondary schools which all parents aspire their kids to end up in, the worse I feel.

I had vowed that the exams will be hers, not mine. I went to work, was at a meeting when she returned home from the first day of PSLE. Everything was cool – except my nerves!

I just wonder how many parents feel like I do? 

The system is so complicated with the options and possibilities: IP, Express, Normal (Acad), Normal (Tenchincal), regular secondary schools, programs in junior colleges, Aesthetics and Music electives…and on... it really takes a strategist to figure it out. We had planned to set aside time to consider options and pick the six choices we have. But I cannot seem to shut the door on the information which I feel so overwhelmed by. It keeps demanding to be studied more carefully. There go those nerves again: for someone not known to major on details, I guess I have to bear with it. It’s two more days (with a weekend thrown in) where the exams are concerned; but it’s been a long journey and I am tired!

What kind of Brave?

A brave review

You've probably seen the movie. 

The plot is simple, straightforward and plain, the fun light and predictable. A princess is asked by her mom to marry in order to secure the kingdom but the gal won't and things get bad and messy....

Over our post-movie meal, we asked why they called it 'brave'? (harking back to another hit also set in Scotland, Braveheart perhaps?).

Well, I thought the different characters give us different Flavours of brave. The triplets are the brave young uns whose courage lies in their childhood which is still devoid of any real threats ands upsets. A reckless bravery. Father Fergus is the typical 'bring them on' brave with mostly brawn. Mom's courage lies in her steely determination to steer her progeny especially her firstborn towards her  kingly heritage while Merida's form is to throw caution to the wind, live with abandon and courageously mine the giddiest experiences-very teenage.

Their brave-flavours and the beliefs that underlie them clash and slash the precious bond. There is courage that reeks of pride and is in the end self-motivated and little less.

The climatic turn is the opportuity to discover and pursue true courage: admitting one's selfishness, riding helter-skelter in the rain, working, and holding on to the hope of a redeemed future.
This is the final scene where Merida sews the torn tapestry, galloping madly against time and rain...crying for a chance to fight and make it all right once again.
What are we willing to fight for? What kind of brave are we?

dusty days

note:this is an OLD post but when i was labeling today, it jumped here!


Literal dust is what i fear these days. I am expecting a lot of it as the Indian chaps enter my home with (what? only ONE screwdriver?) and a pneumatic drill. So i have been on a back-breaking frenzy to cover everything thing up, bought and used up more masking tape than ever before in my life, shove everything that would fit into the other rooms..and, move all the human inhabitants away!

So here we are learning to live in Grace with in-laws, where i encounter more dust - this time of a different speci. This kind is aka memories and habits. The heart breaking work this time is to rein in my heart, soul and mind and maintan a posture of gratitude (we are in asylum here), and even as the Spirit reminded me, believe for new, better memories.

Finally, in a time of need, there is always that one person i long for: mom. But she is not physically available to me anymore.

Today's discoveries

HAVE you ever felt glad that something you believe to be true, a gut feel, a hunch, a sense...is verified or supported by

research
others sharing your view
a line in a book
actual stories baring it out

i do

and today, i discovered--

- at breakfast with a working-class couple: Singaporeans' average income as often represented in political speeches is perceived to be inaccurate. They should average white-collar incomes and blue-ones separately.

- while reading on the internet: advertising can rightly be considered pollution and a form of imperialism writes Micah White; we live in a toxic culture that hurts us more than we realize.

- more ideas for the children on the internet such as www.seterra.com - a geography download full of quizzes to help them navigate planet earth! (Keith and I merrily clicked on Asia and filled out the countries)

- all leaders feel lonesome and the business of leading can leave one little time and permission to say....grief?

- that being loved can be hard when you are not loving

Till next time fellow earthling, human and friend!

The Teen Dance

There is this new dance i am learning. 

Darn, it's hard! Quick steps, slow steps...and so easy to step on those turning toes!

What? Step back ..now?!
O, ok...catch up and do the twist here..
Keep in step, side by side...

Fools we are all. We never believe what we are told.
Dreamers we are all. We never full awaken to the force of truth...

What did i expect? it's hard to parent a teen, tween... She's like:
40% darling girl
10% secret, spying agent gathering more and more tricks (what? from youtube?!)
20% angst, mood swings
20% rough, angular
10% total mystery [if the other bits are not mystifying & frustrating enough already...]

This is 60% majority challenge - and yes, it is major exam year! Augh!

I have read, I have loved, I have led...but in my own turf, under my nose each day, the wind blows hither and thither! O to really love and to let her really live... daily i trip all over myself trying this new dance of space-distance-privacy-connection-communication.

We have so much to say to each other and then nothing comes to mind.

We want to laugh but it happens so much less because she is growing slowly into her own skin and we don't always find the same things funny anymore.

We want to stay close - forever - but growing is forcing a needed distance.

I miss the dances we did when she was little enough for me to turn, twirl and lift off the ground.... God, help me see the crazy steps of this new dance as a joy-dare dance and swing along!

OLYMPICS! fun with kids..

The Olympics is fun to watch and even more fun when you can do some activity along with it!
Check out the nicely done worksheets which surely breaks the ho-hum of homework...but does the job too!

http://www.schoolfamily.com/print-and-use-tools/category/188-summer-olympics-printables?utm_source=newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_content=ednote&utm_campaign=8_2_12_connect

ENJOY !

Each week or other, i want to share goodies i have found among the many wonderful folks in the online community that desire Truth, Beauty and Love*

For today, here is Simple Mom's Ten Ways to Use your Creativity for good.

http://simplemom.net/ten-ways-to-use-your-creativity-for-good/

Enjoy and let's bring our families and His Goodness to the world!

* this is also a facebook page you may want to visit and contribute to!

None of my business..?

It was bound to happen. Unhappy experiences where we feel things could be done better. The question is do we give the feedback - especially when it probably won't face us again? Should we improve things for -- others?

my mom with my lil girl...long ago! 

Last week i bought a hot drink from a vending machine. It was HOT! i nearly burnt my fingers. Seeing the pool admin staff walk by, i told her about the piping hot cup i was hoping not to drop on some running kid. She blandly said, 'we told them already' and then 'no' when i asked if she had a spare cup to help me hold that brimming cup-of-danger.

What? Pay for a way-too-hot drink, risk burning my fingers, needing to figure how to feed it to my kid...and this attitude? I admit i got too tired to implement my thought to ask her to put up a notice that says 'beware! drinks are very hot!

The other times it had to do with school. My son was leaving kindergarten so it won't impact him; but the school needed to know that some of what it did was counter-productive. Such as having a library period which lasted like 5 minutes where kids are whizzed in and out, their library cards, books all managed by the teacher...and how are they supposed to develop a love and respect for books?

I told the teacher anyway.

Because, we can each help make the systems work better. It may not seem to benefit me directly but then:
1.  I am contributing to my society's betterment.
2.  I model social consciousness for my child.
3.  It strengthens the community when communicated kindly.
4.  Everyone needs to know their work is noticed and taken seriously.

So at risk of being a kaypo (busybody), it's good to voice concern and give feedback. We live together and can make our world a lil tad better if we don't only look out for our interest alone.

Why we all need a foundation of happiness...impact on long-term overall health.

"What's important about this study is that it identifies a group of people who are prone to have depression and inflammation at the same time. That group of people experienced major stress in childhood, often related to poverty, having a parent with a severe illness, or lasting separation from family. As a result, these individuals may experience depressions that are especially difficult to treat."

Another important aspect to their findings is that the inflammatory response among the high-adversity individuals was still detectable six months later, even if their depression had abated, meaning that the inflammation is chronic rather than acute. "Because chronic inflammation is involved in other health problems, like diabetes and heart disease, it also means they have greater-than-average risk for these problems. They, along with their doctors, should keep an eye out for those problems"...

To read the entire article:

Childhood adversity increases risk for depression and chronic inflammation

Mad about Grace and Women

Well this must be it: I am a woman, and I really feel like I have rediscovered, no, uncovered Grace. I am mad  excited about the two subjects: women (and marriage or not, children or not etc..) and Grace.

this is a fractal image....something from Higher Math !

I am madder still that I cannot take leave from everything to work it through..and let it weave itself into a tome of sound proportions (aka a book)!

What tension! To know, and want to dig and find and share and not being able to - and yet, understanding too that the subject is not for fancy mindwork but for heartwork and soulwork that happens in the everyday!

I am reminded of what A Testament of Devotion has taught : we live at two levels at the same time.
Just as we live in betwxit...

the now and the coming
the seen and the unseen
the believed in and the perceived
the desired for and the running away

Which end anchors and gives us protection as we move around the space called Betwixt?

Another book* I am reading reminds us that we live at the same time between:

our sin issues
our becoming like Christ

Yes, the truth must anchor us and help us interpret and navigate..and in the quiet of the truth's strength, we make our choices and responses and shape that which we see, feel and fear..and the truth will trump if we but rest in its Grace to work upon our inner landscapes.

The great truth as I learn and think and pray and write is that Truth is seeking me out and wanting a listener, a believer, and then, when deemed trustworthy, a spokesperson. So i will stew on these Womanhood and Grace until I burst and it all leaks over everyone I meet....and write until it all comes together.

Mercy on me.


* The Kingdom Life

Shopping with the daughter

SHOPPING is not exactly my thing. I love to buy stuff; but to shop ie. walk in and out of stores, sampling, comparing prices and tempting my heart-purse-strings is not really for me or my feet (and today my head joined in the protest when it quivered after only 2 hours).

But, the nearly twelve needs some clothes and hey, a mommy-daughter bonding time...come on...!

We went to really, the nearest mall, 2 train stations away..and at first could absolutely find nothing for her size (she's a puny teen). One kind salesgirl said, "er..teen shops..don't have..go to children's and buy the bigger sizes?". This little trick worked well, even for me when I was a teen, but this time it was a no-go. Her very definite taste buds said no.

So we traipsed on some more..and finally found the rather ubiquitous Hang Ten and Bossini. O well. Last year when we were all the way in HongKong, shoppers' paradise - we ended up in Bossini (we could not find Hang Ten). So you know where my imagination borders.

A hundred dollars poorer --yes and this is because it's HT and B not Mango or Abercombie [hey i do know some stuff]...we realised we were done in already! Our feet were protesting and our heads seemed to lag behind our bodies..

We stumbled into a bookstore where we both grinned at the sight of a book with a nice Burmese kitty on the cover and a tagline that went: cats and daughters are alike: they dont come when called. Touche! I felt a secret triumph as my girl squeezed my arm tight and we exchange a warm hug...and agreed that shopping - except for books - isn't really our thing.

The icing on the cake came when she said, "i dont understand why some people must have so much clothes!" Bless her heart; may she hold true to this thought forever..and long live affordable stores!

a view of the Mall - and the shop i had vouchers for but she found nothing she favoured!

to or not to - deciding about stuff

OK, in a few things i am truly undecided. Let me guess, you are too.
Well then, gather a little picnic basket and let's exchange our indecision snackeroos...

Let's see, there is kitchen equipment. Really. I mean, who does not want Efficient? Clean? Trendy? I am not a fad freak but i have been thinking months now over a machine. It's called Thermomix. You have probably heard of you if you are remotely interested in kitchen affairs. The quicksand moment ie. you thought you have decided then you sink back into more analysis, wait and see, there is something not quite right... for this is the cost. I wont even mention it. So here i am waiting, hoping for either:
a windfall or
a price fall

No. 2 in my basket (yes quite apt. indecision can make us feel a bit of a basket case coz we are so get-go in Singapore)..is my blog. O the thousands of meaningful, pretty, astounding things i wanna do! Increase reach, win awards, write far better and ...hardest of all, make it really work (i still don't know what html stands for...good grief right?) I've been told there are professionals you can pay to do this for you. The quicksand: the word 'pay'..and the reality of life called maintenance and repairs. Even blogs suffer from wear and tear.

No. 3 is DO I MOVE to Belgium now? No just kidding. But i think living in Europe, Nepal or even Ipoh for a while is good for the soul. One just gets too familiar, comfortable, and downright preserved and preserving in mindset...that sometimes even the wind and the earthquakes serve only to entrench us further; and if so, how then do we hear the still small Voice?

So what do you have in your basket?


O by the way, i wonder how this fella salvaged this old index cabinet...from the National Library? Things filed away for later consideration...aka cannot decide la!

file it!

a lovely poem by Jane Tyson Clement:

"they are not mine"

enjoy the truth and feel freer --

Hermit me?

The local trains have been breaking down - something highly unacceptable in first world, super efficient Singapore where waiting is nearly anathema. But as I read the news and sense the frustration; something struck me -- I am not affected by it. Of course there is relief. Being one of a sightly different skein anyway, life by commute and cubicle is not my cup of tea.

But it also got me thinking if I am a bit too removed from what my fellow residents of this busy city go through...

The definition of a hermit is "any person living in solitude" (Oxford). Hmm.
The more popular notion is of someone distant, out of touch and a bit off-key with average humanity. Not exactly a term of endearment!

I suspect many stay-home-moms (or other kinds of caregivers and those with a vocation that isnt the typical 9-5 arrangement) can at times feel rather cut off. I have commiserated with other moms about how lost we feel in the shopping district Orchard Road.

If being a hermit is to prefer solitude, then in many ways I am. The extrovert no less. Solitude is a habit that becomes a posture that becomes a shape. It is the habit of perferring and so making time to turn inward toward self in examination and upward in adoration. Good hermits do not encrust with hard unfeeling shells. Instead, the journey into the deep parts of life; my life, reveals the dark and light shades that would otherwise be neatly cubby-holed as right/wrong/trendy/etc.

Upon further reflection too, i realise that I observe, understand and have the boldness to speak about life and into lives precisely because i am not too enmeshed and needy of it.

My heart goes out to those whose schedules, plans and people to attend to get disrupted. It is truly a test of our resolve and intentions. How much will we pursue our plans when the trains don't bring us there with ease and on time?

Filling out and Fuller-ing

Today I read Exodus 20 about the priest's role of ensuring that there is always incense before the ark.

Design wise, it is clear that this altar deserves honour and also, is ...portable! (as is the rest of the Tabernacle). This strikes me as the need to honour our times with God and to be able to take moments with God everywhere with us. It is called living life with reverence.

Then it says the priest must go in twice and keep up a steady supply of fragrant incense. This ties in with the need to go in twice to the Holy Place and light the candlestick that is there...

Morning and Evening, one day. Daily. Twice. Around the clock.

Fast forward to Paul's injunction to us in Thessalonians to pray without ceasing - day and night, around the clock.

While the priest undertook the instructions and had a limited view of the grand cosmic promise that lay behind and beyond what seems mundane acts; we have privilege view from the New Testament -- our prayers are as fragrant incense. God never tires of them. We are to ask him for Daily bread. We are to pray at all times in the Spirit with all kinds of prayer...and woven into this is a life posture of reverence, expectancy and peace.

It's wonderful to see how the Bible fills the understanding out and that things are becoming fuller...and one day shall be made perfect and whole!  

free to live

we feel so bound.
it shows up in a thousand ways.
laments, sighs, recriminations, accusations, questions, tears...
what is it we really want?
what is it we cannot reach out to?
what it is we cannot release?

why

set free
no longer in bondage
not bound
but
bounding
abounding
Grace led
Grace filled
Grace carried
Grace joy-ed

just a mind game
or more?

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First Confession for Lent

Again i miss it.
should have written it down on my super large co-ordinate family movement calendar.
but it's not an event.
should have put in a prompt or alarm in the phone or some on-line site..
but it's not a to-do item.

Ash Wednesday is today. it is now 1248hours. I have reminded by now, my known world on facebook and alerted my church family to Lent. But I have not yet kept the day myself!

Perhaps it's because this is as much a deeply personal practice as it is a community one.

I need to want to do this - and I need help to want to do this.

1250hours. The day yet not done. Just before the kids tumble through the door...

I go face myself -
in His Light
and Love.

Valentine's? Valentine's!

We don't really do Valentine's.
You have heard the reasons: cost, mush, rush, hush..
but really, it's a tad too lovey-dovey for us; we who are white knuckled from our grips...it's a bit too much to gaze, adore, fawn..when there is so much everyday to get through.
But guess what?
we are going for a dinner tonight. A Valentine's dinner!
I was almost afraid to ask. I who long for, fight, resist, and...all wrangled in my little girl fears..
how do we live with such hope and dread, fancy and frustration, anticipation and anxiety?  All of it all at once sometimes.
this invasion needs a countermanding Presence that brings quiet, calm and ...peace.
for it takes peace to receive and give love - and have a great Valentine's day dinner!

The GIFTS of faith, hope and love

We walk with God the way we always do life: in our strength. We count on our ability to study Scripture, to serve, to drum up 'faith', to 'love'..to 'hope' against the odds..
and we grow weary.


Life was never designed like that.


To really live - and yes, it only happens when we first stop this ingrained habit of self-actualisation (remember the sinner's prayer which is really a prayer of relinquishment?) - we catch a glimpse of that..and O! the peace, the joy and newness..and then, sameness creeps back in.
It isn't that we are in the wrong church crowd. It isn't that our Bible knowledge is too weak. It isn't that others are making it way too difficult for us to love them. [though all this is true of course]


It is that we have lapsed -
back to trusting ourselves to live our lives well, right, good, pure
and it just cannot be done.


Faith, hope and love - are gifts.
We receive them as we slow ourselves enough to.


I think this is what I will say to my neighbour, who is not a Christ follower, but otherwise many ways like me (we like a lot of the same stuff, rant about the system...haha):
we struggle alike in many things: marriage, children, meaning..but there is just this one difference between us. At a time in my life, I met Jesus and he is in my life now. Indeed He is my life now. i am still discovering what that means..but i have seen now that because he is the foundation, the steady, my struggles give rise to
faith - i believe they are purposeful and useful, even though painful
hope - i have seen things change, get better, been startled even!
love - i keep being loved to love better...


All gifts and Jesus opened the way, qualified me to get them.


And all these are invitations for me to live totally different: 
as a recipient and not as a rebel or engineer or critic
as rested not wrestling, weary, wounded (and licking my wounds and comparing them with others')
as resurrected not dying, dead or deadened.

Starting Clean n Fresh..and O how hard this is!

There was a time
when it was simple
to start over
just kick the dust
shame the shame
grin
grit - and -
go.

But with years
and a tad of wisdom
It just aint so easy
no more

resolve
resolute even
and sutbborn, rutted ways that have made a home
tracked all over your soul
permanently marking you
belonging
to the
broken
wounded
helpless

and sometimes, it seems, hopeless...

as a friend once wrote:
all broken up and dancing!
new wineskins
new moves
new steps
new

not imagined
nor dreamed
nor aspired
but
written in
Holy Writ
"songs of joy for mourning"
"dance"
"praise"
"hope"

Your word or mine?
Your voice or all these other voices?

Jesus
set his face toward Jerusalem
for mission..perhaps (they can arrest him elsewhere couldn't they?)
but for worship - certainly - for the Great Passover is coming!

Where in the buffeting winds of demands
dark forecasts
possibilities
do I set my face? and feel the Wind?

"...carried by Grace, held in Your perfect peace.."

and Your solutions to daily needs
large challenges
fantastic Living
comes...

always has been
always will be
always must
You.

Come 2012, I am not alone.